August 29th, 2010 at 11:41 PM
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Grah. My phone tells me that tomorrow is Monday. That means taking Luciene to school. He usually likes biking in the morning. Kayla’s going to be home for awhile. We had a few long discussions, and one very short one. I feel a bit better; but never quite all the way.
Side note: Someone’s been getting into her Yahoo account. No idea how – I’m a Google-whore. I don’t even know how to use Yahoo. I log into Meebo whenever I need my Yahoo account. Or my Hotmail account, for that matter. Just not a big fan of either. Told her that in Gmail/Gtalk, it displays the last IP to access the account. Suggested that Yahoo may have something like that. If I can’t sleep tonight (Which I probably can’t) I’ll try and look up some more info on hacked accounts.
Been taking my medication routinely. No paranoia. Hallucinations are still the same. I’ve been nervously eating. I’m back up in my weight again. Took all of a day, I think.
Have some personal issues with someone causing trouble for me online. When crap like that happens, it takes every ounce of willpower I have to not be vengeful. Not because I actually care, but because when I’m vindictive, I tend to get sloppy. I’ll probably just end up doing something horrid to them later.
Well, think I’m done for now. Anything else said is going on my private page. Buenos Noches.
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August 26th, 2010 at 3:03 PM
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We’re having a “Blanket Day” today. I brought up one of the things Luciene did, as that’s pretty much all I ever see: my kids. We started talking about both of them, then I realized that she probably doesn’t want to hear about my kids on her day off. So I asked her if today can be a kid-free day. It’s been really nice so far. My mind hasn’t been running rampant with paranoid thoughts (thank the Gods).
I recently made a decision to not let things bother me. That’s been really difficult; but I think I’m making progress. The only slip-up I had was about re-signing our lease. I over-reacted. I forgot. I would apologize, but the person I did it to wouldn’t believe me, anyway.
I’ve got brownies on the oven, but I’m trying not to eat them. I’m finally below 170. I hit 168 today. I’m hoping to keep the downward trend. My medication, while keeping the hallucinations to a minimum, is making me a bit antsy.
Kayla noticed that the medication is helping my rate and frequency of speech, too. Well, she thought something was wrong because I wasn’t talking as much as I normally do. I think that’s a good thing. Inversely, I can’t stop shaking. My hands are shaky, and all muscles seem to be teetering back and forth at the point of equilibrium. I think it’s a side effect of the medication, but I’m willing to deal with it if it makes my life more livable.
I’ve decided that, instead of having my hallucinations throughout the posts, it would be better to list them at the bottom. So a new section titled ‘Recent Hallucinations’ has been created.
Recent Hallucinations: Vines where the vertical blinds were supposed to be. That’s a change, they’re normally just wooden. The light bulbs were actually large groups of fireflies. The whole house smelled like a mixture of redwood, pine, and moist, mossy earth. I have the odd sensation of it being a lot more humid than Arizona is supposed to be. I’ve had a few people come to the door. Old friends Derek and Jasmine. I wanted to let them in so badly. I went outside and hugged them both. I miss them so much. I left them outside. The normal hallucinations, (I should make a page listing those, shouldn’t I?), are still there. They weren’t angry hallucinations, but they did get in my way. :-/ The always do. .shrug.
And that’s that.
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August 25th, 2010 at 9:43 PM
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I haven’t slept well in weeks. Kayla says I’m twitchy, and really easy to wake. My eyes are always burning, even when I have my contacts removed.
Been having a lot of issues aside from the normal ones. Flitterings of shadows and sounds, and the sensation of being lightly touched, or breathed upon. Scary stuff. But that’s enough about that.
Other hallucinations are still there. Nothing new, but the same things. Meh. I wish they’d all go away so I can get back to my life. I liked me, before all this shit happened. You know – the me that would talk to strangers, play music, and go to the park in the middle of the night.
That’s enough for my public blog right now.
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August 18th, 2010 at 10:16 AM
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I had been having a good week: I finally caught up on the chores. Everything fell behind (as it always does) when the kids were away for 3 days. I just really like relaxing when they’re at Sara’s place.
I tried my hand at cooking, and it turned out decent enough. I was able to follow the directions and cook without hallucinations interrupting, for once. Luciene and Amaris helped out a lot. The instructions were picture-based, so they helped me get the ingredients and put everything together. Luciene read the “numbers” to me, and made sure the timers I set, and the temperature I set, were correct. It was a fun family activity, and I actually felt useful, for the first time in a long time.
Today I had planned a number of things I needed to get done. One of my friends was admitted to the hospital on Monday, and I was supposed to go visit her. There was some stuff I wanted to get from the grocery store, but that will have to wait until later on tonight. My Veterans’ Service Officer has basically flaked on me, so I had a couple of tenative appointments to meet new ones that I’ll have to call and schedule for next week.
I really feel like last night took all the progress I was making, and and reset it to the beginning again. I look forward to Wednesdays all week.I would have really enjoyed a nice break away from everything: the apartment, my kids, the animals, Kayla, and well – everything. A breath of fresh air is nice. Like having days off from work, taking some time to get away from everything is important to one’s mental health.
Dropped Luciene off at school today. Despite having explained to Amaris that Sara is picking her up numerous times, she still doesn’t understand why we’re not going to leave and drop her off at her mother’s this morning.
Aside from the stress-induced hallucinations that occurred throughout last night and all morning; the normal hallucinations haven’t been as alarming as normal. The bridge upstairs wasn’t swaying, and only had a 12-25 foot drop. It feels like the whole “tree” has been betting gradually more and more low to the ground. Before last night, a lot of the gnarls had disappeared, and the foliage was coming in. But all this stuff aside, I’m here.
I am still alive, and for this I am grateful. Luciene is doing well is school, aside from being sick, has received perfect marks so far. Amaris is growing up very quickly, and my cats are AWESOME!
That’s all for now.
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August 16th, 2010 at 10:37 AM
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Last night sucked. Really, truly, awfully sucked. I made the best of it possible by trying to fix my music, but I’m only in the D’s. Also spent some time writing Robert back. Still not sure what to do with him, but the better part of me always wants to help people out. Stupid better part of me. 
Been having a hard week. Lots of fun stuff I don’t care to talk about anymore. Mentally exhausted. Frustrated. Anxious. Feeling really down. Asked Guillermo about some stuff. He said probably Friday. Wrote Leo back. Not looking forward to his response. Have the feeling I’ll be updating his wiki soon.
I’ve given up with a number of things recently. It just seems much easier to not care. Not apathy, just easier living. Most days I feel like walking outside and just yelling. Guttural, loud, bellowing throes until I can’t breathe anymore.
Nothing changes, and yet everything goes away.
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August 6th, 2010 at 7:53 PM
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It’s been an interesting week, if nothing else. A large amount of information is being dumped into my private blog. I am grateful to have a place where I can speak the thoughts that anger people. Sometimes I still need to vent, you know?
Everything is still the same. It’s always the same. I haven’t really left the house recently, excepting when Mike took me to my Doctor’s appointment. My kids seem to be doing fine. I’m waiting on a bike from Tarl – he was supposed to bring it by today. I’m guessing he forgot. I sent him a message, but he didn’t answer. I’ll have to call him tomorrow. Otherwise, I will have no way to get Luciene to school on Monday.
Fought with Sara about the kids, schooling, money, and scheduling visits. That was. Joyous. Because my life isn’t hellish enough, I had to deal with her load of bull, too. Spent the afternoon trying to calm down. Didn’t happen.
Kayla went out and had a good time. I’m honestly glad she got to go. Unfortunately, I pissed her off within two hours of her getting home. Go me. I’m hiding upstairs in the room right now to avoid angering her any further.
Killa finally got back to me. I am very happy with this, as I have missed her dearly. The letter explained so much, and I’m not really sure what to reply back to her; but I am glad to hear from her.
Still dealing with Disability filing via the state. Lots of fun. Also talked to my VSO: My Rep hasn’t called me back in over two months. I even left a message on his cell phone. Not sure what the hell is going on there, but at this point I’m thinking about trying to find a different VSO. Despite being “the best” the only time I’ve heard from him was when I went into the office for our initial meeting.
Hallucinations are kicking my ass all over the place, but I’m trying to deal with them. It seems to be the same ones, over and over and over again; and that repetition makes them easier to deal with, but it’s still really difficult mentally. It stresses me the hell out when I find out that I’ve been interacting with something not there, and usually makes things a lot worse.
That’s all I’m putting out here for now. Maybe more later.
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August 1st, 2010 at 5:33 PM
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Lately I’ve been posting to my private area more and more often. Not because I don’t feel like being open – Everything I post there can be found somewhere else on the internet. Mostly because I don’t want the people I love to know how I feel. I’m tired of being asked if everything is ok. It’s not, so stop asking. This was supposed to be a place where I can post everything, but it seems that I can’t. So I’ll just stay with things that I think happened.
I woke up, still a treehouse. It seems that this is going to be a constant until I move. Maybe even afterward, who knows? Outside there are cottages with thatched roofs, masterfully constructed out of stones and plaster. There’s a large pond right outside my window, where I can see geese and swans. People are walking about their daily business, travelling dusty dirt paths that weave in and out of the buildings. There is a large number of trees.
My children were already awake. Fortunately they looked normal today. We went downstairs. Yes, the rope-bridge and such are still there. My children sat down to watch their morning dose of Sesame Street. My son turned on the TV, as I couldn’t seem to locate it. When he turned it on, I could hear it, but I still could not see it. He asked for food, so I turned around and entered the plastic sphere the surrounded the kitchen. It had a Radioactive symbol on it, and was completely clear. If I didn’t see it, I would have ran into it. After it sealed shut behind me, I opened the storage area and put some mini-pancakes into the instant heater. After about two minutes, they were all cooked. After retrieving bowls and forks from their storage areas, I grabbed some strawberries and a banana, and exited to sphere to serve them their food.
They watched Sesame Street until they finished eating, and we headed back upstairs. Pulling back a wall of vines, we entered the bathing area. It was a small depression in the ground, with a replaceable damn to contain the water. They bathed for awhile, and I turned on the radio. It was a wooden, antique radio, and it was plugged into a generator that was powered by a small watermill.
I heard Kayla calling me downstairs. She had asked me to take out the dog. I could clearly see she was having a bad day. My kids were in the tub, so I told her I could take the dog out after they got out.
The rest of my day has been posted privately.
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Luciene woke up far before Amaris, so I went ahead and took him to school, knowing that Kayla was still in the house. When I got back, I woke her. We had breakfast, and I didn’t butcher it too badly, so that was the beginning of a great day!