February 4th, 2010 at 2:51 pm
(Uncategorized)
I feel alone. Completely and utterly alone.
I know that I’m not, so don’t bother responding. I live with Kayla, and have my friends and family; but I feel horribly and terribly alone.
Sure, we reside together, but it doesn’t even feel like we enjoy each other’s company. We fight, and never make up. Nothing changes, everything decays.
I see friends, but never long enough. I just want to reach out and hold them, and laugh like I used to, but it never comes. All remaining is a bleak, darkened tunnel that I feel like I can never crawl out of.
My family calls me, and I call them routinely, but I don’t feel like I can connect. We talk, and pass time, but I never feel like I’ve actually spoken to someone. I feel like an emptied vessel, just a piece of what I used to be.
—
We had a big fight. I don’t know if it was last night, or the night before. She’s so unhappy. I’m on edge. She’s anxious. I’m depressed. She’s sick. I’m tired. How much is too much? When do you step back and give up? I usually run things into the ground, because I don’t give up. I think giving up is the easy way out, and it doesn’t resolve anything.
It pisses me off, because any time we’ve had a problem, her best friend’s solution is to just run away. He is always suggesting that we end the relationship, and that she needs to leave. I’m so sick of it. I want to just exclaim to him that running away is the reason he doesn’t have, and will most likely never have a long-lasting, meaningful relationship with another person that isn’t related to him.
—
I think Leo wants Bob. This is a good thing, I think. I don’t know, but I do think so. Yue, Angel, and Tommy all get along. It’s going to be sad when everything ends. Tommy and Yue are so happy around each other. Angel is really close to fitting in as family: I just watched Yue groom her. No fighting, just grooming.
—
I stay up late at night, with the blanket over my head, wishing for sleep. She snores, and the cats run up and down the stairs. They sound like thunder, coming in waves of three. The house is always dirty. I don’t ever feel clean, but I’m too tired to take showers most days. We’re out of shampoo, and conditioner. I get food stamps on the 6th, but I can’t get shampoo and conditioner with that.
—
Luciene’s birthday is coming up on the 7th. I don’t have any friend to invite over. I don’t even have the ability to make a party or get him presents. He does seem interested in a cake, though. That bodes well. I can make a cake.
—
My birthday is on the 9th. I’ve never really celebrated my birthday before, and I don’t see a reason to change that yet. My hopes are to get so drunk I can forget everything for just one night, and maybe be at peace before the reality sinks in the next morning of all the lives I’ve screwed up.
Hopefully next year I’ll have a reason to celebrate.
And that’s all for now.
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February 2nd, 2010 at 9:06 pm
(Anxiety, Stress)
Today was Charming of the Plough (sometimes known as Idis-thing)
Originally celebrated on the new moon, Charming of the Plow had been moved towards Februrary 2nd due to the adaptation of a modern, solar calendar. This is a festival of fertility and beginnings, of the planted seed and the plowed furrow. Many pagans, specifically the Asatruar, celebrate today with a wooing by Freyr of the Maiden Gerdr; a symbolic marriage of the God of Fertility with the Mother Earth. In much of Northern Europe, grain cakes are offered for the soil’s fertility and Father Sky and Mother Earth are invoked to that end.
This holiday also generally honors all Goddesses and the Disir (female ancestor spirits); Who bring blessings of fertility as well as important lessons. This is a good time to recall outstanding women in one’s family line. In most climates, this is the time to plant seeds indoors, to later be transplanted later, into the spring garden. A good way to honor the traditions of this day is to meditate upon your dependence on the soil.
—
My kids did not listen today. I love them. Alot. But they could not hold attention, or follow directions, for the life of them. Ended up going to bed early tonight, which is not entirely a bad thing as we have to get up extra early tomorrow for me to take them to their mothers and go to an appointment.
I think I had a manic episode yesterday, because the house was entirely cleaned, from top to bottom. Not that it matters, it is in shambles. I stayed up all night the other night to do laundry. I think I’ll be doing the same again tonight. I don’t want to over-sleep the appointment.
I’ve been having slips from reality, despite the Tenex, lately. I’ll be watching TV, or reading a book, or watching someone do something, and BAM! It’s 5-10 seconds later and I’m confused.
We’re watching Zombieland.
ZombieClowns.
Oh, and I have a new resume to work on soon! Excited for something to do.
Goodnight, Self.
—
Edit: Oh yeah, and my car is actually going to be Repo’d, once they run a credit check and find out where I live. Cleaned it out. Don’t forget this, Jim. Kind of important.
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January 31st, 2010 at 7:36 pm
(Disability, Kayla, Kids, Stress, home)
Today I am forced to reflect.
My children’s laughter gives me motivation to get out of bed in the morning. Luciene usually plays just loud enough to encourage his sister, who screams with giddiness and is full of happy. I took them downstairs and played with them, we watched PBS this morning. I’m happy it came in. Eating cereal and enjoying our company was wonderful.
I am very worried about Kayla. She has given everything up, and is over-worked and over-stressed. Verizon is still sucking her soul out through their fluorescent lights, and she has no money, and she owes bills, all because of me.
I still honestly think that the best bet to get this entire situation under control is to take the option with Tarl and Megan until disability comes in. That will allow catching up on bills, stability for income, and security for a house. Unfortunately, I highly doubt Kayla would take the offer. I bring it up to her, and it never really gets discussed between us.
I keep trying to talk with Killa, but it seems that fate does not have it in her cards anytime soon. That’s ok, so long as we keep trying. I refuse to lose her again. Ever.
DriveTime has been working with me about my car. They’ve offered to abstain from action for as long as they can; and will push back my payments that are due, attaching them to the end of my contract, so long as I begin to pay them again when my disability comes in.
My friend, Erica, has a website up now. I like it so far, and I hope that it will continue to develop in the manner of which it has started.
That is all for now.
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January 30th, 2010 at 12:11 am
(Uncategorized)
Today was a decent day. No episodes, but alot of panic. Hid in the bathroom for awhile while Kayla was yelling at the dog. Didn’t do any cleaning. I know I was supposed to, but I was too depressed to do it.
I tried to talk with Kayla about what her long term plans are. She’s stuck trying to get everything under control and can’t really seem to think about anything out further than about 3 months.
Quite a few friends have offered to take us in, and for this I am grateful. I am stuck at an impasse. Let me explain:
I think it would be best for us to take the offer from my brother, Tarl, and go live with him until my disability comes in. It is a clean home, away from everything, and will basically provide a stable, stress-free environment for everyone. But I am afraid that if I take that offer, I’m going to lose my girlfriend. But I’m also afraid that if things stay the way they are, she’s going to go off the deep end.
I’m open to suggestions.
—
I’m almost out of medication, but I have an appointment with intake at JSCS next wednesday, at 8:00, I think. I need to contact them and find out. Will add to calendar.
I have that appointment with disability on the 8th, at 4:00 PM, I think. I will call them to double check that and add it to the calendar as well.
And then Kayla has an appointment on the 9th. Don’t remember the time, but she is going to call and confirm it anyways.
—
Sara got hired! Yay!
Schedule is as follows:
12-8 on Saturday
12-7 on Sundays
3-8 on Mondays (On Call)
4-8 on Tuesday
3-8 on Wednesday (Kids go to Sara’s)
Off on Thursdays
3-8 on Fridays (Kids come home!)
—
And, I’m done!
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January 25th, 2010 at 9:49 am
(Anxiety, Family, Pets, Stress, home)
Life is still on hold.
Children are happy. They went to see their Mother yesterday. She let me drop them off on Saturday Night, so I got an actual day away from them. They are VERY happy and excited today.
My TV no longer receives channel 8, which I don’t like. When my children are actually watching the TV, I prefer Cailou and Sesame Street as opposed to Elliot the Moose and My Friend Rabbit. On a side note, I do prefer them to watch Babar instead of Barney. I loathe Barney, and wish his purple dinosaur suit to bathe in a pool of tar.
I need to call Dr. Roth today. I’m going to do so now.
. .. … …. ….. ……
Fuck me. They don’t accept my health insurance. Now I get to call AHCCCS and find a good psych. Fantastic.
Oh well.
I honestly don’t think Mike Owens is going to pull through with the HUD VASH support. I’m really panicky, but I’m not allowed to show it.
Last night, we watched Funny People. It’s a decent movie. Made me think too much. I spent the majority of the night lying in bed, watching Kayla sleep, and thinking about how much of a screw-up I am.
I am thankful for friends and family to support me today, though. It’s nice knowing that, if everything fails, it will be difficult, but my family will survive.
With that being stated, I am done for the day. Note to self: Backup Databases tonight, and finish ripping your movies.
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January 21st, 2010 at 10:44 pm
(Disability, Sara, Stress)
Kitchen? Clean.
Living Room? Clean.
Our Bedroom? Clean.
Children’s Room? Clean.
Bathrooms? Clean.
Trash? Out.
Laundry? Almost Complete.
Kids? Fed, Cleaned, Groomed, Read-to, Educated, and in bed.
Girlfriend? Miserable.
—
Krista’s marriage ceremony is in April. I have been thusly invited, and stated I am happy to go, so long as I have a sitter.
Kayla has a doctor’s appointment on my birthday, I believe at 15:30. Need to call Patino’s office to confirm.
I have the appointment in with the SSI Shrink on the 8th. DO NOT FORGET!
—
Hallucinations are nearly gone so long as I stay indoors, and there is no stress. I have more energy, and feel up to going outside. It’s been raining here lately, and I have REALLY been enjoying the rain.
The bad news? I have been having a lot of trouble sleeping. I sleep for 2 hours, at most, then I just lie there awake until about 7 AM, when my kids start chattering. Only then do I resume normal sleep until about 8:15 AM, then I get up, shower, and go downstairs.
—
The scabs on my arms are turning into scars. I never used to scar. This is an unforeseen development. I don’t want scars. It wasn’t to hurt myself – it was something to focus on to stop the voices. .sigh. Now I have a permanent reminder that I’m a fuck up with head issues that will someday land me in an institution.
—
I don’t think the HUD VASH situation is going to work out. It’s just a gut feeling. One of the rules pretty much says that you virtually have to be homeless before they will step in and help. I’m waiting for clarification on that from their specialist case worker. Basically, there is no provisional assistance for veterans that are going to lose their home; just the ones that have already lost everything.
This puts me back where we started. I have no income, and it will be awhile until disability comes in. Kayla cannot work because of stress and Verizon Wireless fucking with her head. Rent is $680.95, and due in 10 days.
I am loathe to admit it, but I should probably just pack up and call everything a loss. I’m a fuckup, I’m going to lose my girlfriend. It will cost her dearly: her guinea pigs, her pride, her sanity, and she’s going to lost that much more faith and trust in relationships. Why? Because I’m a screwup. Everyone I touch, everyone I love – they all become miserable, lose everything, and leave.
—
I helped my brother move into his house yesterday. That was a lot of fun. It is a HUGE house. Bigger than I would have fathomed. It’s a little ways out there, but no further than when I was out on Santa Cruz in Queen Creek.
—
I am so worried about money. I’m trying not to show it, but it makes me want to break down and just cry and hide in my room all day.
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January 19th, 2010 at 3:47 am
((bucket)list, Disability, Drama, Extended, Stress, home)
Sometimes, I feel alone.
Not that I am – my friends and family surround me and care for me.
It’s just that, there are some days and some nights where I feel like no one gets me. Somehow, my mind always drifts back to my Bratgirl. I’ve tried to ignore my feelings, and repress them, and then replace them, but in the back of my head, her chaotic smile will always echo with it’s hidden laughter and compassion. I loved her in ways I don’t think I will ever be capable of again. She was my sister, my companion, and my best friend. Millions of words at my fingertips all become so simple and less elegant when compared to the massive wall of feelings left behind when she died.
She has always been the one I could talk to. I didn’t have to be ashamed of myself, or my feelings. She stood up for me when she thought I was right, and she told me when I was dead wrong. I miss hearing her voice, and holding her hands; hugging her so tightly that her breath’s moisture clung to my hair. Crazy antics, and talks about true happiness – making plans for the future, and cleaning out the headlines from our pasts.
She alone knew me, better than anyone. Better than you, or them, or even me. She truly was my other half, and I’ve lost her. I’ve lost love, and with it the majority of myself. It’s taken me so long to realize that; too long to realize that.
For many years, we had depended on each other to keep ourselves together. I don’t even know where to begin myself again without her. Now I am forced to wretch the pieces together and see what remains to be shaped from those jagged, bitter pieces. I miss her, and without her comforting guidance, I feel so very lost and alone.
There. I said it. Now leave me the hell alone.
—
Tonight I wish that my company wasn’t here.
Not because I don’t like them, or because they’re irritating me, or anything like that.
Simply because I have laundry downstairs that I want to finish, and I can’t, lol.
—
I’ve been having multiple fights with Kayla the past few days. The stress that we’re both under is straining our relationship to the breaking point. We’ve both said our fair share of a few foul words, and neither of us seems to be able to release the stress.
—
Luciene is way behind on his learning curve for school. He should be reading by now, but he spent a large amount of time watching television before I had him. We have been working on his numbers and letters. He can identify the letters of the alphabet now, and his numbers, but he does have some trouble with the order.
Both he and his sister, Amaris (who is two years younger, I might add), are on the same level. They can also say the majority of words in English and Spanish, identify colors, and know the proper way to behave in public. That doesn’t mean they always do, but they try; and that earns points in my book.
—
My medication is just about out. Due to my idiotic mistake of believing that I was taking my medications when I was hallucinating, I have about 7 days left for my meds. Thankfully, I can still go get the rest of my refill, which should last until I can schedule a follow-up appointment with Dr. Roth.
On my to-do list for tomorrow is the following:
1.) Call Dr. Roth’s office.
-Schedule my appointment.
-Reschedule Kayla’s appointment.
2.) Call Mike Owens from the VA Benefits Center and find out information on HUD VASH.
3.) Call Social Security Disability and find the pending status of my Claim (SSI).
4.) Call the VA and find the status of my Claim (VA).
5.) Fold and put away laundry, Wash the children’s linen.
So, tomorrow will be a busy day. I need to go input all of that into my calendar here.
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January 15th, 2010 at 10:44 am
(Uncategorized)
Last night, I blacked out. The last thing I remember was trying to get Meebo up and running with my screen names, then the next thing I remember was heaving at the toilet.
I have been told what happened, but it doesn’t all make sense. I’ve been taking my medications, so this should not have happened. I have accchs now, so I’m rescheduling an appointment with Dr. Roth ASAP.
That is all.
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January 14th, 2010 at 7:52 pm
(Family, Hallucinations, Kayla, Kids, Pets, Sara, Stress, home)
Today, I found out that I am thoroughly, totally, wholly, and completely financially screwed.
I have no income, aside from food stamps. Kayla can’t work because, let’s face it, Verizon Wireless is the worst company in the world to work for. Over 70% of their employees end up filing for Short Term Disability based on mental issues of for stress. I find that interesting, and most of my personal friends know and understand this. It’s just sad, that a company offering so many awesome benefits, cannot be bothered to listen to their employees.
Ivy (Sara) lost her job today. She was fired. Her boss said she was being laid off due to a downtime in the economy. She, in all reality, was replaced. Saddening, because this kills the entirety of my income, as she was paying me in support of my children.
I’ve had a few people offer to put me up in their residences, and to be completely honest, I may end up having to partake in one of those offers. I don’t like this idea, as I have animals I do not wish to part with. That, and it is not fair to those people to deal with my plethora of issues, or my children, or my girlfriend. Plus, I don’t even think she would come with me, in all reality.
—
We have FOOD! OMIGOD! That is amazing, and I am grateful for Governmental Programs! Now, as long as Mike pulls through and helps me out with rent, the aforementioned won’t happen.
—
I’ve been absent from most things lately. Stress is monumental. I feel like I’m holding together pretty good, though, considering. I’ve only had one real episode lately. I thought I was taking my pills. I wasn’t. It’s amazing. I was hallucinating that I was taking my pills because I wasn’t taking my pills. There is a distinct irony in that.
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January 12th, 2010 at 10:41 am
(Uncategorized)
I woke up this morning, and during a conversation I told Kayla it was Monday. She told me it was Tuesday, yesterday was Monday, and I need to get my days straight. Of course, I may have completely hallucinated that conversation.
The past two days have been long. My mind has been reeling and teetering back and forth.
That being stated, I think I’m doing a little better. Kayla, on the other hand, has been sick.
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