I need to get out more, make new friends. I’m going nuts.
Today was a good day. Didn’t screw up on anything so far. Kayla’s sick. 
I don’t like it when she’s sick. It’s no bueno. Had a lot of fun with her last night, watching Tele and schtuff. House is nice and clean. Luciene did his homework. Amaris was in some trouble today. Hopefully she’ll forgive me by tomorrow. I’m supposed to be getting some money that is owed me by a friend tonight. That is good.
I’m still struggling with letting things go; but I’m gradually adapting to this attitude again. When I was younger, it was a motto of my life. Now that I’m older, it seems to have dissipated, and with it so did a lot of myself.
I had a visit with my VA Doctor about my teeth and the sharp pain in my chest. She said I have all the symptoms of a heart attack, but dismissed it. She said I’m too young. My EKG was normal, although my at-rest heart rate was a bit high.
The hallucinations aren’t abnormal this week. No scary things. The feeling of a heavy, dark fog behind me, and flittering in the peripheral of my vision is persistent. I still see the shadows coming for me, but I’ve been able to overcome my fears for the most part. Only had a few slip-ups. The appointment I went to at the VA was one of them. I met Breve beforehand, and we had coffee, then he drove me to the VA, and we went in for my appointment. During the appointment, he was quiet, like he normally is. We finished the appointment, then he dropped me off at home. …. To pick me up for an appointment later.
Yeah. Didn’t figure it out until later that day. I went to the first appointment alone. Mike was a hallucination. Not sure how I got there, who I had coffee with, or how I got home; but I now understand why the Doctor looked at me funny.
And if she new, it would probably change my GAC. I’ll ask her if someone was with me the next time I’m there.
Grah. My phone tells me that tomorrow is Monday. That means taking Luciene to school. He usually likes biking in the morning. Kayla’s going to be home for awhile. We had a few long discussions, and one very short one. I feel a bit better; but never quite all the way.
Side note: Someone’s been getting into her Yahoo account. No idea how – I’m a Google-whore. I don’t even know how to use Yahoo. I log into Meebo whenever I need my Yahoo account. Or my Hotmail account, for that matter. Just not a big fan of either. Told her that in Gmail/Gtalk, it displays the last IP to access the account. Suggested that Yahoo may have something like that. If I can’t sleep tonight (Which I probably can’t) I’ll try and look up some more info on hacked accounts.
Been taking my medication routinely. No paranoia. Hallucinations are still the same. I’ve been nervously eating. I’m back up in my weight again. Took all of a day, I think.
Have some personal issues with someone causing trouble for me online. When crap like that happens, it takes every ounce of willpower I have to not be vengeful. Not because I actually care, but because when I’m vindictive, I tend to get sloppy. I’ll probably just end up doing something horrid to them later.
Well, think I’m done for now. Anything else said is going on my private page. Buenos Noches.
We’re having a “Blanket Day” today. I brought up one of the things Luciene did, as that’s pretty much all I ever see: my kids. We started talking about both of them, then I realized that she probably doesn’t want to hear about my kids on her day off. So I asked her if today can be a kid-free day. It’s been really nice so far. My mind hasn’t been running rampant with paranoid thoughts (thank the Gods).
I recently made a decision to not let things bother me. That’s been really difficult; but I think I’m making progress. The only slip-up I had was about re-signing our lease. I over-reacted. I forgot. I would apologize, but the person I did it to wouldn’t believe me, anyway.
I’ve got brownies on the oven, but I’m trying not to eat them. I’m finally below 170. I hit 168 today. I’m hoping to keep the downward trend. My medication, while keeping the hallucinations to a minimum, is making me a bit antsy.
Kayla noticed that the medication is helping my rate and frequency of speech, too. Well, she thought something was wrong because I wasn’t talking as much as I normally do. I think that’s a good thing. Inversely, I can’t stop shaking. My hands are shaky, and all muscles seem to be teetering back and forth at the point of equilibrium. I think it’s a side effect of the medication, but I’m willing to deal with it if it makes my life more livable.
I’ve decided that, instead of having my hallucinations throughout the posts, it would be better to list them at the bottom. So a new section titled ‘Recent Hallucinations’ has been created.
Recent Hallucinations: Vines where the vertical blinds were supposed to be. That’s a change, they’re normally just wooden. The light bulbs were actually large groups of fireflies. The whole house smelled like a mixture of redwood, pine, and moist, mossy earth. I have the odd sensation of it being a lot more humid than Arizona is supposed to be. I’ve had a few people come to the door. Old friends Derek and Jasmine. I wanted to let them in so badly. I went outside and hugged them both. I miss them so much. I left them outside. The normal hallucinations, (I should make a page listing those, shouldn’t I?), are still there. They weren’t angry hallucinations, but they did get in my way. :-/ The always do. .shrug.
And that’s that.
I haven’t slept well in weeks. Kayla says I’m twitchy, and really easy to wake. My eyes are always burning, even when I have my contacts removed.
Been having a lot of issues aside from the normal ones. Flitterings of shadows and sounds, and the sensation of being lightly touched, or breathed upon. Scary stuff. But that’s enough about that.
Other hallucinations are still there. Nothing new, but the same things. Meh. I wish they’d all go away so I can get back to my life. I liked me, before all this shit happened. You know – the me that would talk to strangers, play music, and go to the park in the middle of the night.
That’s enough for my public blog right now.
Protected: Two Years
Today I knew what day it was when I woke up. That put me in a great mood. Yesterday was Sunday, but I don’t remember much. I do remember talking with Kayla about a few things over the weekend. The weekend was kind of a haze. I know we watched Warehouse 13 AND Eureka. I was ecstatic that she asked for them. Aside from the normal hallucinations, if I miss my medications the Paranoia rears it’s ugly head. I hate not being in control of myself. I loathe the inability to even be “normal” without my medications. I still can’t really sleep. When I’m alone, I spend most of my time occupying myself so that I can’t think about it. Unfortunately, the more I do around the house, the less there is to do; so I either let everything pile up; or I end up with a god-awful amount of free time. Free time leads to thinking, thinking leads to realization, and realization leads to depression. Not the “Oh God – He/She just broke up with me” type of depression. More like the “I was doing semi-good until my best friend died and my paranoia ruined most of my friendships, including the one with the mother of my children, tried to commit suicide so many times I’ve given up, isolated, co-dependent, will never have a moment to yourself for the rest of your life because you can’t be trusted, self-deluding, honesty and truthfulness have done nothing but make your life so complicated that you’re thinking you may have been wrong your entire life about putting faith and trust in people, can’t even piece together a coherent sentence without checking it so many times for errors that writing is a futile effort, can’t express yourself to your significant other because she’s got issues of her own, lost you mind and ability to process things in a logical manner, have to spend time re-training yourself how to think, why should I even get out of bed in the morning” type of depression. So I try to occupy myself. I recently offered to help one of my friend, Brian, with a website; because that’s what I would normally do. I didn’t even think about it. Not until afterward, when I realized that my concept of time is so screwed up I would tell them it will be done tomorrow and it won’t be done for 3 weeks. Every time I try to designate focus, things are flittering in the peripheral area of my vision. This is new. My normal hallucinations, like people, trees, bridges, etc.., are still there. But I’ll see shadows reaching forward and hear whispers that aren’t decipherable. If I ignore them, I can feel them putting pressure on me. It feels like being underwater and sinking. The pressure keeps building and building until I turn around. Of course they’re not there when I look. I’ve been relaxing, just sitting on the couch, and had these shadows engulf me so fast I choked. This is something that scares me. I can confront demons, murderers, my past, volcanoes, ravines, monsters and the like because I can identify them and surmise from their surrounding whether they are real or not. More importantly, I can, to a lesser extent, ignore them. These shadows I cannot. Aside from the freaky stuff mentioned above, my mind has taken on an apathetic stance for pretty much everything. Guess that’s all for today. No links, sorry.Protected:
Luciene woke up far before Amaris, so I went ahead and took him to school, knowing that Kayla was still in the house. When I got back, I woke her. We had breakfast, and I didn’t butcher it too badly, so that was the beginning of a great day!
I had been having a good week: I finally caught up on the chores. Everything fell behind (as it always does) when the kids were away for 3 days. I just really like relaxing when they’re at Sara’s place.
I tried my hand at cooking, and it turned out decent enough. I was able to follow the directions and cook without hallucinations interrupting, for once. Luciene and Amaris helped out a lot. The instructions were picture-based, so they helped me get the ingredients and put everything together. Luciene read the “numbers” to me, and made sure the timers I set, and the temperature I set, were correct. It was a fun family activity, and I actually felt useful, for the first time in a long time.
Today I had planned a number of things I needed to get done. One of my friends was admitted to the hospital on Monday, and I was supposed to go visit her. There was some stuff I wanted to get from the grocery store, but that will have to wait until later on tonight. My Veterans’ Service Officer has basically flaked on me, so I had a couple of tenative appointments to meet new ones that I’ll have to call and schedule for next week.
I really feel like last night took all the progress I was making, and and reset it to the beginning again. I look forward to Wednesdays all week.I would have really enjoyed a nice break away from everything: the apartment, my kids, the animals, Kayla, and well – everything. A breath of fresh air is nice. Like having days off from work, taking some time to get away from everything is important to one’s mental health.
Dropped Luciene off at school today. Despite having explained to Amaris that Sara is picking her up numerous times, she still doesn’t understand why we’re not going to leave and drop her off at her mother’s this morning.
Aside from the stress-induced hallucinations that occurred throughout last night and all morning; the normal hallucinations haven’t been as alarming as normal. The bridge upstairs wasn’t swaying, and only had a 12-25 foot drop. It feels like the whole “tree” has been betting gradually more and more low to the ground. Before last night, a lot of the gnarls had disappeared, and the foliage was coming in. But all this stuff aside, I’m here.
I am still alive, and for this I am grateful. Luciene is doing well is school, aside from being sick, has received perfect marks so far. Amaris is growing up very quickly, and my cats are AWESOME!
That’s all for now.
Last night sucked. Really, truly, awfully sucked. I made the best of it possible by trying to fix my music, but I’m only in the D’s. Also spent some time writing Robert back. Still not sure what to do with him, but the better part of me always wants to help people out. Stupid better part of me. 
Been having a hard week. Lots of fun stuff I don’t care to talk about anymore. Mentally exhausted. Frustrated. Anxious. Feeling really down. Asked Guillermo about some stuff. He said probably Friday. Wrote Leo back. Not looking forward to his response. Have the feeling I’ll be updating his wiki soon.
I’ve given up with a number of things recently. It just seems much easier to not care. Not apathy, just easier living. Most days I feel like walking outside and just yelling. Guttural, loud, bellowing throes until I can’t breathe anymore.
Nothing changes, and yet everything goes away.