April 24th, 2010 at 1:02 AM
(Anxiety, Kayla, Kids, SMI, Sara, home)
Yay! Kayla got her new medication prescribed, and she finally received her mouthpiece. Hopefully, between the two, she’ll be feeling better! (Hopefully, lol)
We did go out to a workshop at Fascinations the other night. It was a lot of fun, and I had take enough benedryl and sedatives to make everything ok. Of course, I suffered the consequences the next day, but it seemed worth it to me.
The children are being very good as of later, despite things becoming more stressful.
I made my calls. Called Social Security and left a message for my SNAP/AHCCCS caseworker. She hasn’t called back – no big surprise there. If she doesn’t call by tomorrow, I’ll have to go down to their offices Monday. That’s always fun. I called Social Security for Disability, and I have been assigned a caseworker. I had to fill out some paperwork (Adult Functionality Report). That was just… fantastic. I hate dredging through what I’m incapable of. It makes me feel so inferior and pathetic. Grr. I called the VA. My case has been assigned a caseworker. Joy. I was approved for the VA Services, and received my VA ID card. Sweet! I also was approved as Seriously Mentally Ill under Magellan (Arizona/Federally Funded healthcare). They called me and scheduled my first appointment with the nurse for a medcheck, and to meet & greet my caseworker. This is a good thing!
I did end up getting a mediocre amount of housework done. I have to finish up on it tomorrow. Hopefully. I also have to take Sara to work tomorrow. She has to be there by 11. Means I have to leave the house with the children by 9:30.
That’s all there is for today. Maybe more tomorrow.
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April 22nd, 2010 at 10:54 AM
(Disability, Hallucinations, Kayla, Kids, Pets, SMI, Sara, home)
Dropped the kids off with Sara this morning. She’s watching them while Kayla goes to her appointment. I have to pick them up again tonight.
Sara’s schedule is changing because she’s getting more permanent hours. This is a good thing. however, it also means that her day off is changing to Wednesday. This is not good, as on Tuesday nights, she has an in home appointment every week for one of her clients at 8:30 PM. Great for her, bad for us. I’ll have to bring her the children on Wednesday morning, and pick them up Thursday afternoon. That’s going to be a lot of fun to explain to Kayla. She’s already dissatisfied with the child situation. .sigh.
The GREAT news is that this sort of crap will all be over when my (either one of my) disability appeal(s) goes through. I’m awaiting a statement from the VA in regards to my appeal for percentage increase. The issue is that they rated me as only 30% functional, but only gave me 50% disability. Based on the rating of 30% functionality, I should actually be rated at 70% disabled. Hopefully it will go through without any problems, but I doubt it, as this is the government I’m working with.
I was approved as Seriously Mentally Ill under Magellan yesterday. I should be receiving notice, and a caseworker here pretty soon. This excites me, as it means I’ll have the help of another person to manage my appointments and help me with finances, et cetra. Joy!
Hallucinations have been ok, aside from one persistent one: I’ve had the feeling of falling/spinning for the past week or so. This is complete, with the sound of winds and the constant feeling of being cold. I’ve also been very jittery, and annoyed. This particular hallucination is loud, and I have to keep asking people to repeat things. It makes it look like I’m not paying attention, or I’m not listening; but I am: I’m just having a hard time hearing. Oi. Not fun.
Luciene and Amaris are doing much better today. Not puking, and much more energetic. Unfortunately, Luciene has decided to begin lying. That is not a fun thing to tackle. I’ve been trying to stray away from spankings, but he doesn’t seem to react to any other sort of creative punishment.
Amaris has finally learned what buttons to press on her brother. I’m so very proud of her, and at the same time, I wish she hadn’t. They are beginning to fight more frequently, and enjoy seeing each other in trouble. I can’t help but wonder if my parenting style led them to this, and that I’m not teaching them enough about compassion and love. Harumpff.
Kayla has tickets to the tattoo convention, and she has invited me! Yay! That’s next weekend, coinciding with Baeltaine on the 31st. I am excited. Also, my friend Nikki is having a birthday party on the 15th of May. I am hoping to attend, and it would be nice if I had the money to bring a gift as well. Double Yay!
Kayla bought a glove for grooming Angel-cat. It works. We now have enough cat fur to make mittens. pretty soon, we’ll have a matching set of soft, white clothes.
That’s all for now. Toodles.
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April 2nd, 2010 at 7:30 PM
(Anxiety, Hallucinations, Kayla, Kids, SMI, Sara, Stress)
I am all over the place today. Emotionally, the slightest things are setting me off. Mentally, I can’t think more than about 2 seconds in front of me. I can’t even play Wii music tonight with my kids.
It is entirely selfish, I know: Wanting everything to disappear. I never said I am the most honourable, selfless person on the planet.
Today, hallucinations have been over the top, despite my best efforts otherwise. Vivid, palpable, aromatic, and sometimes terrifying. Fortunately, my kids were at the sitters for most of the days. It’s days like this where I feel so lost and alone and helpless. I feel like the only thing that’s left for someone like me is institutionalization.
I was brought to terms with my conscious today. It spoke to me. this happens so rarely, I don’t even list it as a symptom for the doctors. When it does, it is always very painful, and never more than the truth in it’s harshiest form.
My kids love me because they don’t know any better. If they did, I’m sure they’d discard me in a heartbeat. Sara couldn’t stand me, and while she can tolerate me for a few hours at best, she still revels in my pain because I’m the jackass that hurt her. Kayla is only with me out of convenience. She has no where else to really go right now, and I’m going to be paying for her mouth piece, and any other items as she needs them. She’d be more happy with someone else, but she’s too uncomfortable with her own body image to move on. Leo and I had a large falling out, in which I was most likely too hard on him for a mistake – I generally am. I’m petty when it comes to trust. Killa never returns any phone calls anymore.I used to try calling her to hang out 2-3 times a week, but she is always so busy: I just gave up. The last few times I’ve seen Monica, she’s been upset, and of course my inquisitive nature made things worse. Krista’s life is revolving around planning her wedding, and even when it wasn’t; all she ever wanted or talked about was sex. I wasn’t that interested, to be honest, but there were times when I would have gladly put out just to have a friend. Most of my old friends don’t want to associate with me because of the stigma of having a “crazy friend.” Tarl is kind enough to call me and check on me, making up reasons just to find out if I’m ok. Tara’s the only one I can talk to on a regular basis, but I realize she’s dead, and that’s just indulging my delusions.
I try to console myself by watching movies, playing games, working out, and sometimes just physical violence on the nearest object (like my poor staff). It just doesn’t make these feelings of insignificance and sadness go away. I can substitute anger for awhile, or fake happiness while people are around, but it’s always there, looming over me like shadows in the wake of a sunset.
I tried to OD on Clonazipam and Seroquel two days ago. It obviously didn’t work. Just notating here for record-keeping. Everything was very quiet and still for awhile. It was pleasant, just listening to the sound of my heartbeat as I lay in the warm bathwater. I could feel everything slowing down and stopping, and all I desired was to let my spirit become one with the water and go down the drain.
Yeah. Woke up in ice cold water around 4AM. My lips were slightly blue, and I was fucking cold. Had to take a shower just to warm up. Other than that, everything else was normal. Well, I lie: my pee stunk something fierce – but I think that was from asparagus.
That is all.
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March 25th, 2010 at 11:47 PM
(Disability, Hallucinations, Kayla, SMI)
Met with Ameila Peterson from Jewish Family & Children’s Services today. She’s the person assisting me with the SMI claim. She’s been doing her work since 1980. Holy Crap – She looked, maybe 30. If I was her age, I’d probably find her attractive. At any rate, she has helped me to begin the process for SMI. Which is good – It would provide me a kind-of caseworker to ensure that I get to my appointments, and help me develop a plan for independent living.
She seemed nice, and for the most part she was genuine in her caring and desire to help other people. I only saw the fake “business” smile about three times. She just got here from Rochester, NY. For the most part, she dislikes Arizona as much as I do, but she’s here for her daughter, who is studying at ASU.
I have had so many hallucinations with the Seroquel, it is not worth even mentioning. Some of the more entertaining highlights include the streetlights turning into giant corndogs, marshmallows on the ground instead of cement, cotton candy clouds, pumpkins as lighting fixtures, and the sun turning into a large incandescent lightbulb (I mistakenly assessed it as a florescent bulb, lol).
Kayla and I had a good day together while we were out of the house. I was a little loopy, but I basically followed her around, and took my sweet time touching things and using logic to figure out what is really there. We went shopping in a few places for groceries, and came home. She’s asleep right now – her allergies started acting up as soon as she got into the bed. Probably needs to wash the dog. I’d be willing to bet she’ll do that tomorrow morning. Hope she feels better: she deserves a nice day to relax.
In my freetime tonight, I think I’ll design a new background for my twitter account.
Well, that’s all for now, folks.
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