July 14th, 2010 at 5:45 PM
(Depression, Disability, Family, Hallucinations, Kayla, Kids, Lucid Dreams, Pets)
I’m sitting at Barnes and Noble today. It’s seems to be a good day. My hallucinations have been getting progressively stranger. Today I watched a unicorn sit down in the theater next to me. That was odd, to say the least.
Met a really cute guy named Anthony today while at CVS. His boyfriend just broke up with him, and I’d wager he was looking for something to make him feel better about himself. He treated me to a movie at AMC (The Sorcerer’s Apprentice), and we headed to B&N afterwards. We had a lovely conversation about abusive relationships, where we’re headed in life, and of course we talked about our favourite authors. He took me for a walk around outside. Thankfully most of the buildings are lined with misters. After awhile he reached over to grab my hand, and then pulled me in for a kiss. His scent was pleasant, and he tasted sweet. He kissed awkwardly at first, but after a second or so, gathered his wits about him. After we were done, we chatted a bit more and he asked me over to his place. Hot damn! Of course I accepted. I asked him for a moment, and explained to that I needed to ask my girlfriend, as that was our open rule. He looked confused for a moment, then kissed me on the cheek, said something like, “Ok – there’s always next time,” and walked off. Oh well.
My phone’s been acting strangely since I put the new ROM on it. I am probably going to download a new one and try it out soon. I don’t have the patience for it screwing with the delivery of my notifications. I survive on those.
Speaking of which, my phone tells me that tomorrow I have an appointment at the V.A. at 8:00 AM. Joy. It’s with Dr. Aaronson. I also need to schedule a STD test. Safety first and all that. I have no idea what my appointment is for. Breve is on the schedule for taking me, so I’m guessing it’s psych-related. If it’s not, I’m going to kick myself in the ass.
Current list of hallucinations:
Watched books fly around the room like pidgeons.
Shirts were made of moths.
Couch disappeared and reappeared on the ceiling.
House is still a tree. I believe that makes it a treehouse, no?
Bookcase transformed into a gunsafe for a few days.
While in the shower, something like mercury starting coming out of the showerhead.
Had a bath where the same thing happened as well.
Still having trouble with shaving. The razor looks (and acts) like snake most days.
My skin was translucent for a week or so. Talk about odd – Try peeing, pooping, eating, or orgasming when you can see what really happens in your body. It’s gross.
Talked with a stone golem while taking the trash out.
Watched a gang of guys in zoot-suits burn down the building.
Clouds formed the face of Aelous, and he blew himself away.
The freezer opened into a miniture winter haven, complete with ice-pond, snowmen, and falling flakes.
People had closed captioning when talking. That makes it REALLY hard to focus, by the way.
I was verbally assaulted and threatened by what can be best described as a large iguana that walked on two legs and had opposable thumbs. He was wearing a trench.
The sun turned blood red, and did not move for 3 days. Night never came.
A disembodied arm followed me around, floating in the air, pointing at me.
A squid appeared, dead and disemboweled, on my floor. This was preceded by a loud crackling sound, a flash of light, and an acrid-smelling grey smoke.
Dumas came back. Only, without hair, and decomposing. Still a great cat, though.
I’m also still having the dreams. Last night Kayla left me. Shelley ended up with the kids when I turned 28. I was committed, paid for in full by the V.A. Sara came to visit me every other month. I made friends with an old guy named Mark. He thought he was the son of Napoleon. He was black. It was interesting. I walked off the edge of a balcony, believing it to be a walkway that was outside. I died. I woke up. God, these dreams are awful. Also, I’m really having a major issue with depression.
I would really like some sort of e-reader. I have to get Kayla a present for her Birthday. She wants to get a good massage. So be it. She deserves one. Somehow I managed to over-draft my pre-paid debit card. ??? Don’t know how that happens.
Probably going to work on my wiki today. Maybe I can put some links in here.
Done for now.
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June 28th, 2010 at 3:03 AM
(Anxiety, Depression, Hallucinations, Kayla, Lucid Dreams, Stress)
June 28th, 2010 at 2:32 AM
(Anxiety, Depression, Disability, Drama, Kayla, Pets, home)
It’s been a long day. … Days. … Week. So then, it’s been about a week. All of this is such a blur, I can’t even tell. Been in a bad way for awhile now, but at least everyone is convinced otherwise.
Not suicidal – that’s a plus. Hallucinations are everywhere, and always saying things to disarm my confidence. The people speak to me in a matter of fact tone, saying exactly what I’m already thinking. Half the time, I cannot stop them from engaging me. I know this is all the result of stress, because I was doing really well not too long ago.
Leo did what he said he’d do. I’m thankful for that. My children are being exceptionally well-behaved. I’m thankful for that. I am still breathing, and sometimes I remember to eat. I’m thankful for this. My cat soothes me, and encourages me to go outside. He also runs to the door when someone is really there. That eliminates a lot of stress for me. These things I am thankful for. Well, I keep telling myself to be thankful for them, in hopes that I don’t get any more depressed. Funny how that spiral works, isn’t it?
I’m not sure how much longer I can hold this all together – everything is pulling tighter at the seams, and I can see the barest of threads strung through widening holes in the fabric.
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June 14th, 2010 at 1:46 PM
(Anxiety, Depression, Kayla, Suicide, home)
June 10th, 2010 at 12:34 PM
(Depression, Disability, Drama, Extended, Family, Hallucinations, Kayla, Kids, Pets, Sara, Stress, home)
Kids are at their Mom’s house today. We dropped them off yesterday. Kayla decided to take the day off, mostly because she didn’t want to get up that early and still have to go to work. I don’t blame her for that, I probably would have done the same thing. After dropping the kids off at Sara’s, we went to the pet store right by her house. I asked not to go to this particular store because I was supposed to be taking her to work, and if Sara saw her car parked right there, she’d pitch a fit.
Kayla said she didn’t care what Sara was going to do. That irks me. We’ve had this conversation in the past, or at least I think we have. Sometimes, it’s not about Sara. I don’t want her pitching a fit because then I have to hear about it, and if I she sees us out there, she’d be considering it as taking advantage of her – that would make it difficult for me to ask a favor of her if I needed one later. It’s already a big fight if I ask her to do something for the kids as it is: I don’t need it any worse than it already is.
After the pet stores, we went to Ross, and then to Dave & Busters. We were going to eat, and play a few games. Only, when we sat down at the bar, I mistakenly pronounced Entree (as it is spelled: en-tree) instead of Entrée (ahn-trey). There was a huge fight about this. I was at fault, because I’m insecure about admitting that I’m wrong in public places. Yes, I’m human – I have faults, too. I will say that the entire situation did not need to escalate as far as it did, but it seems that neither one of us is keen on backing down in an argument. This, and I do not take kindly to insults during an argument. If we’re arguing, then we argue. There’s no need to sling mud. I bite my tongue on a number of things, and if you start hurling foul things my way, I stop restraining my thoughts, and say some damnably mean things. We ended up leaving, without ever being served anything other than water.
She said we were going home when we were storming out to the car. In actuality, we went to her work, picked up her license, and then to somewhere else. I honestly don’t remember where. After our tempers simmered down a bit, I apologized.
We went back to Dave & Buster’s, and ate. The Fish and Chips SUCK. She said the tacos were good, though. She played a lot of games, and won a few thousand tickets. She also won a massive, stuffed boxing glove.
Leaving D&B, we went to Costco and grabbed a case of Redbulls, and took them to Sara (payment for taking the kiddos to the appointment). When I dropped them off, it was naptime. Luciene was asleep on one couch, and Amaris was laying on the other. When Amaris saw me, she asked if she could go yet. I told her that she gets to play with her Mom today, and that she’d see me tomorrow. I came over to give her a hug, and kneeled down beside the couch. She asked why. I said, “Because your Mom loves you, and she wants to play with you. You have to play with her a lot, because you’re only going to be here for a day, and then you won’t see her again for a whooole week.”
She grabbed my hand, pulled it into her chest and hugged it. “I love you, Da.” She started crying. Not bawling, but just a few, slow tears escaping. I hugged her tightly and told her I loved her, too; and that I’d see her tomorrow.
We arrived home around 4:30. I was still upset, so I went upstairs to lay on the bed until I calmed down. Around 10:45 she came upstairs and started listening to music. She thought I was asleep, and I was content with that. I laid there until about midnight, then I got up, and we watched a movie together. She crashed at the end of the movie. I tried to watch The Mask, but netflix was being stupid with it’s buffer.
At some point in the past few days, I shaved. I don’t remember when, but I sure as hell remember why. It was a bunch of dead worms on my face. I started freaking out and pulling them out one by one with the tweezers. My face was bleeding a bit, and after about 15 minutes, Tara showed up. She grabbed my hands and pinned me against the wall. She was flipping out on me, “James – what are you doing??! Look at your face!” When I looked in the mirror, there were large patches of hair missing from my neck and cheeks and upper lip. She helped me shave what was left into a goatee. Then I took a shower and cried. She walked into the shower with me, and helped to calm me down. She held me, and I felt the warmth of her around me. I smelled her, and then she said, “You know – I’m not really here.” It’s always so hard to deal with that. I said yes, and thanked her. She responded with something just like her, “Ok, well I’m going to get out now. I need to dry off.” She walked out of the shower. I just sat down and cried more.
My phone started going off, so I knew it was time to get out of the shower. I got dressed and asked my children to clean their room. From there I made them a snack and resumed my normal schedule.
My sleep schedule is way off. I stayed up most of last night, and all of the night before.
Aside from that, I’m doing well. Later on today, I’ll hashtag (#eyerub) my hallucinations for the past few days on twitter.
1 Comment
May 26th, 2010 at 2:15 PM
(Depression, Disability, Drama, Family, Hallucinations, Kayla, Kids, Sara, home)
I think the last blog I posted was yesterday, but as always, I’m not sure. I’ve had a number of hallucinations, most of which I’ve forgotten to tweet about. .face/palm.
The kids are doing as good as ever. I tried to register Luciene for school, but Sara (Ivy) took him to his last immunizations and didn’t take the immunization records card. Fortunately, I can just drop by the Sunrise Pediatrics and they volunteered to complete it for me. .joy. Amaris went back to Doctor Reece’s office today, and they evaluated her arm. After putting a new cast on it (sky blue this time), they said two weeks and it should be good. The next appointment is for June 9th, at 11 AM.
My caseworker, Trevor, called me today. He was just checking on me to make sure everything is coming along with AHCCCS/SNAP and the appeals claim. Basically, he wanted to make sure I was making it to my appointments. This is a good thing. i forgot to tell him that I missed my last appointment for Amaris, and that is why I had to reschedule.
Tonight the kids are going to Sara’s at 7PM. I am (hopefully) going to coffee with some of my friends tonight; but, as always, that is dependent on Kayla’s mood. Lately, I’ve had a lot of desire for a number of things (physical affection, like cuddling, holding hands, sex, kissing; emotional reassurance, like letting me know that despite being crazy I’m still cared for; and attention). Because of this, I’ve been trying to provide those things for her. Generally, giving out what you need eventually yields it in return. I’m still hopeful that this will work.
It also struck me the other night: I wonder what her relationship with G was like before they were through. Was there emotional distancing before the physical issues? Did they both know that it was lacking in something, or could they both had known if they had paid attention? Or worse, had she just up and decided it was over and did what she did? I asked her, but she neglected to provide a legit answer (IMHO).
Qwest Tech came by, fixed the issue. I will have another actual post dedicated to that, because it was hilarious.
The depression seems to have levelled off somewhat. I’m still consistently battling thoughts about suicide. It’s a constant voice for me, always telling me my faults. This kills my confidence in myself, and when I look at the would outside my house, it worsens my depression. There is so much wrong, I cannot seem to find the right.
Well, I’m done for now.
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May 14th, 2010 at 7:25 PM
(Depression, Disability, Drama, Hallucinations, Stress, home)
Ok, my last entry says it was 2 days ago. For me, I only remember one day. I’ve been on Welbutrin for almost 2 weeks now, so saith my calendar. A large number of events have occurred since my last public post. This was mostly because I needed a place to vent without my Significant Other reading my thoughts.
Sometimes my thoughts can be dark, depressing, and downright mean. I try to keep those to myself. If you are really interested in reading them, send me an email and I’ll create a username/password for you.
Summary of Events as I remember them, reverse chronological order:
Took Ratties to the vet, clipped the teeth of Lil’ Bastard.
Received Child Support from Sara (Ivy)
Got my Tenga Eggs in (FUN!)
Caught up with Season 1 & 2 or Legend of the Seeker
Fought with Sara (Ivy) about her No-showing to pay child support
Agreed to let Beverly borrow $40 to fill her tank (She thinks it’s from Sara)
Went to Cosco to buy berries and general food
Got notification from DES that I still qualify for Food Stamps and AHCCCS
Went to the VA for my appointment
Had a fight with Kayla
Got the Animals Vaccinated (Angel and Yue)
Went to the Doctor, Amaris is healing just fine
Called Sara, asked her to fulfil our original agreement for watching the kids. She agreed.
Made arrangements with Jay and Mo to watch the kids until 8 so Sara doesn’t have an excuse to not take them for the previously agreed upon days anymore
Successfully networked all the computers in the house to use the Nero Home Media
Called Sharon
Called Shelley
Called Mike
I think that’s about it for what has happened in the last few days. Click to read about the hallucinations and other issues.
Read the rest of this entry »
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April 29th, 2010 at 2:27 AM
((bucket)list, Depression, Drama, Family, Suicide)
I keep smiling. Everything is looking up and I still feel hopeless depressed. I want to scream at everyone. I want them all to go away and never come back. Useless, hopeless, sad, angry, anxious, and hyper-sexual can all be used to describe how I feel as of late.
I am very unhappy, and I want so desperately for everything to change. I’m tired of feeling like I have to be the “steady” one. I am not a rock, I’m more like clay, or super fine, wet sand. I’m easily molded, and just as easily broken.Without the proper amount of fire, I just fall apart on my own.
It never ceases to amaze me how easy it is to make people think everything is OK. Just smile. When they ask I tell them, “I’m always good. Thanks for asking.” It’s a lie. A huge fucking lie. I lay in bed, dreading moving. Moving confirms that I’m alive, and being alive means living with myself, the things I’ve done, and the illness that has invaded my every waking moment. I don’t want your fucking pity – I want to be fixed. I want to know that in 10 years my kids will still have a stable parent to watch their school plays and be the irritating parent that volunteers as a chaperone during prom. I want my self-esteem back, so that I can get a lover that doesn’t just tolerate me. I want my intelligence back. It was robbed from me. I swear, one day I was smart, and the next day it was gone. I can’t even fully read latin anymore. I spend so much of my time making mental notes about every little thing that’s going on: Contrasting and comparing the minuscule details and always, ALWAYS trying to find that fault in my reality that lets me know it’s not real. I’m exhausted. I don’t feel like living life this way is living at all. I’ve got electronic devices that tell me my appointments, my schedule, my kid’s schedule, medication and meal times, nap times, designated sleep times. Fuck – If my phone told me to defecate at a specific time, I’d probably go sit on the toilet and wait until it happened. I feel like an invalid. But I can smile, and when my phone tells me to shower and get dressed, I do it. That’s all that matters to the doctors. I can follow basic directions, and therefore I should be able to function.
I feel utterly alone. My kids are smart, but they are not adults. My friends are all busy – they have jobs. Gods: I wish I could get a job. But honestly, who’s going to hire someone that hallucinates customers, or accepts fake money, or thinks he’s done things that he hasn’t?
And now this crap with the breathing. I can’t even sleep in the same bed as my girlfriend because I’m wheezing and coughing and hacking all night long. As if it’s not bad enough that she can’t stand me 90% of the time. Every day I sit in anticipation for her to call everything quits. She has no reason to stay. There’s no financial gain, my kids are bad for her mental stability, and my anxiety is making her miserable. I have to beg for sex. I have NEVER – EVER had to beg for sex. I can’t please her physically, emotionally, or otherwise. I cannot satisfy her in any manner. I’m not the person that I was when she met me, and this is not the arrangement that we had worked out.
Despite everything finally moving forward, I feel floundered in mud. I don’t want to live any more. I’ve lost my hunger for life. I look at my bucketlist, and all I can do is think of the insurmountable obstacles that are against me doing any of them. I watch my kids and cringe every time I think of things that I could do wrong. I’m so afraid to be alone with them sometimes. I look at Kayla and wonder why she’s even here at all. Of course, she is always there to reassure me: I’m here because I’ve no where else to go.
My confidence is shot. I’d look for reassurance elsewhere, but there’s none. I advertise for sex: I don’t really want sex anymore, but maybe a friend would be nice. I can’t even go see my friends by myself because my fear of this frail relationship collapsing. I just want a hug every now and then. Maybe someone to tell me it will be OK, because I sure as hell haven’t heard that in a long time. I don’t even answer my phone the majority of the time because I don’t want to lie to people anymore, and they don’t want to hear the ugly, horrid truth.
No, I’m not planning suicide, but if a happy medium grants me a chance to join the spirit world, I’m not going to fight to stay here. Everyone would be better off without me here. There is not a single soul that is benefited by me remaining alive, and I have to go to sleep with that every night.I am nothing more than a drain on the earth, the economy, my friends, my family, and most of all, my lover.
You try convincing the people that only exist in your mind that you are worth a damn. No matter how it works out, you’re always the loser.
I hate me.
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