Finally updated WordPress! Hooray! Added a few new plugins, namely: The Gallery Plugin. Now I can post Picture Galleries of things very easily, without needing support from stupid third party sites. Joy! Thinking about making an auto-tagger for facebook crossposting. We shall see.
— Leo has not spoken with me in over a week. Last he told me, he was getting help. I thoroughly believe him. I miss him, although he wouldn’t know it, or understand why.
As many friends as I have gained over the last year, I still find it difficult to lose them.
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Phedraspaz got a BlackBerry Storm! Sweet! I’ve been looking online for some spiffy themes and games and stuff. I finally downloaded and customized it to where I feel comfortable with it. Simone is thinking about getting one as well – I cannot wait!
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Added a bunch of stuff to the (bucket)list, and a few more sites to the “Other” section. I’m honestly thinking about converting Project:Other into a two paned window, with permalinks on the left, and a twitter-like feed on the right. Yay? Nay? I dunno.
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Finished making plans for the divorce, and starting to save money. Sara’s going to get a second job. Talked with her tonight. Another exhausting conversation that I’m not going to bother detailing online because it doesn’t matter.
She did make a valid point, sort of. She thinks I cannot stand to be alone. She is close to the truth, but not quite right. It’s not a matter of can/cannot, but more of what I want. I don’t want to be alone.
I could, but I choose not to be. I enjoy sharing my life and experiences with the people around me. Watching them smile or making them laugh actually makes me happy. I like the little things: holding them when their upset, sharing a meal among friends, and playing simple games on rainy days. These are the sorts of things that convey a full life to me. In my mind, what is the sense in just making yourself happy, when you can share the joy with the people around you.
I guess that’s just another basic, fundamental difference between her and I. One more tally to mark on the chalkboard.
— Kayla may be getting a dog! It will be fun! She’s driving out to California to have a look at it and maybe bring it home.
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I almost lost my job today. Depression is sucking the life out of me. August and I can get help. My performance at work is medial as of late, and my appetite is either in Overdrive or not there at all. I’m missing my old friends.
— Leo is still not speaking to me. He said he was getting help, though. Talk about craptastick months. The past 6 have sucked. Hopefully going to get better. Until then, I bring you a bargraph table, provided to me by David K., linked from DanMeth.com
Stability results were high which suggests you are very relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic..
Orderliness results were medium which suggests you are moderately organized, hard working, and reliable while still remaining flexible, efficient, and fun.
Extraversion results were moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity.
trait snapshot: rarely irritated, positive, tough, non phobic, fearless, likes the unknown, self reliant, high self control, confident, trusting, strong instincts, prudent, optimistic, willful, likes parties, prefers a specialized career, takes charge, altruistic, strong, high self concept, adventurous, practical, thoughtful
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Will make a post about everything else later.
I woke up to Kayla’s phone call. I had fallen asleep and was dreaming. The dream wasn’t over. The following occurred within the dream, which I now realize was not real:
All I could hear on my drive to work was the sound of machinery in the background. Whirs, click, and the eddying of pnumatic pumps. I had a job in construction. Kayla had died 3 years ago. There was a fire in our house while I was at work. It was caused by a natual gas leak, and ignited by her liting a cigarette outside.You see, I couldn’t convice her to kick the habit, but she did it very rarily. My son was badly burned and died 17 hours later, while in the hospital. He was only 7 years old. Barely breathing, and unable to speak, all he could do was hold my hand. The sound of him breathing was there, too. Amaris was with her Mom for the weeked, it was her fifth birthday, and Ivy was doing something special – taking her to some girl-oriented thing at the local IMAX.I gave up my rights as a dad, lost myself in alcohol. The only place that would hire me and not question the stench as I came in was manual labor. 3 years had passed, and I still couldn’t make it through the day sober. I was outside, nailing some shingles on a roof in Anthem, when I suddenly woke up in bed to a phone call.
Welcome back to the real world: I got my ass to work just in time to catch a quick nap, maybe get the bludgeoning sounds and memories out of my mind.
Life – feeds on life – feeds on life – feeds on life – feeds on…
This. Is. Necessary. This. Is. Necessary.
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So, I have been really sick for the last few days. Gave me alot of time to think. While I was sick and suffering thousands and thousands of lifeforms within me were thriving. Living out their happy, contented, microscopic lives without heart or knowledge of what effect they were having on me. Meanwhile, my white blood cells, and a series of herbal teas that I drank fought against these micro-organisms, and eradicated them. That, I believe was cellular genocide. I wonder if that will go against my karma, like so many other things I have done.
On a completely separate and semi-related note: I think that ‘Cellular Genocide’ would be an awesome name for a melodic metal band, simalr to Ashes Divide or A Perfect Circle.
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I got my contacts today. Jabbing myself in the ocular orbits is not as bad as I thought it would be, despite my complete and utter horror at the thought of someone touching an eyeball, let alone my eyeball.
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So, not going to post any pictures or anything today. Just two things.
1.) It’s that time of year – for me to reference Psychostick again. They is one of my favorite (semi)bands.
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And 2.) On my actual site, I have received the most odd comment. It was on yesterday’s journal post.
“I hope you are satisfied with your accomplishment of completely ruining the hopes and dreams of a person you have never met and do not know and take solace in that fact. I really fucking do, James.
Comment by theguyyoushouldntvemessedwith — February 8, 2009 @ 10:33 am”
For those of you who know me, you know that this bothers me on a deep level. Mostly because I would never intentionally hurt the majority of people, and while I do manage to say an impressively large amount of STUPID things, 90% of the time, I would do anything to make up for it. Why? Call it my Aquarian nature, but I find it hard to harbor hatred and anger.
Now, I have the ability to trace the IP, because that is how my website hosting is setup – I maintain records of all activities, but am loathe to do so. What if it is one of my friends who never wanted me to know it was them, and just needed to get out their frusterations with me?
What if it really is some I’ve never met? What can I have possibly said to frusterate you so much that you would post this? Make it public – I don’t mind. My life is an open book. Hell, I’ve only got a total of 4 secrets, I think. As a matter of fact, I would praise you for calling out my faults: that is part of my quest to become a better person, and you might get some resolution on the grievance I’ve cause you.
You know what, let’s make it personal. Why not? Call me. Four-Ate-Oh-Tew-Won-F(eye)ve-Tree-1-Nein-Free.
