Well, last night was interesting. I went to see Transformers 2. It was a good movie, if you like jiggling boobies, robots fighting robots, a singularly monotonous track from Linkin Park, and the US Military running around doing what they do best.
By the way, thank you Michael Bay – the boobies made the movie. 
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This week has been really bad. I’ve been hallucinating, having full on panic attacks at work, and my lucid dreams are getting to the point where I don’t want to sleep at night.
I have a bottle of risperadone from when I switched to abilify. I’m to the point where I am tempted to take it just to stay functional. There is just too much stress. Even Kayla has noticed that I’m more snappy. I’m not trying to be, I just have been. I’m sorry everyone.
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I thought I saw Leo earlier this week, but when I started working out the times, I figured out that I hadn’t actually spoken with him at all. I don’t think so, at least. I recall him telling me about his classes, but if I didn’t see him when did this happen? Grr… It’s frustrating, not being able to place coherent thoughts and incoherent thoughts apart.
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Ivy had me write down her schedule, but our communication still needs alot of work. She keeps telling herself that it’s only two more months until everything is done, but I know that even separated, it will take good communication between the two of us to make things good for our children.
I still don’t talk down about her around the kids. I don’t think that it would be fair, despite our differences, to talk down about each other and undermine the other person’s parenting/authority. Thoughts?
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Kayla’s been sick. I just want her to get better. Please, Dagda, make it all better. Danu knows I’ve been a good little boy, grant me this wish?
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Planning for the move is sucky. My new job doesn’t pay enough, and I can’t go get a second job to cover for the expenses due to the hours I have the kids. Sara’s making bank, which is good for her. She’ll have the car paid off soon. Kayla is making her bills, and I am so far behind that it’s not funny.
Last paycheck I was paid $400. My bills totaled $1400. This paycheck I’m getting paid $700. My bills total $1100. There are people that I have to pay, or they will literally go hungry. On the other hand, if I pay them, my kids go hungry. I believe this calls for a glass of Chardonna….. Err…. Water plz…
The hardest part is this: I could get everything done, including taking the kids and starting to paying off back debts (yes I mean today) today, but I promised Sara that I’d pay the water and electric until November, when she moves. And if you know me, you know what my promise is worth.
I’ve already broken so many promises to her that I cannot bring myself to do it again. .sigh.
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Oh, and Wendy? I miss you!
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So, it’s been a rough week, but life goes on.
We’ve been looking at apartments together (Kayla and I), but the place she really wanted requires a cosigner. Right now, I couldn’t get one to save my life.
There is a place that was a compromise between us, and we both liked them, but we’re both a little torn between saving additional money for a few months and living in a shady area, or living close to the sitters. I would prefer safety and saving money for gas, but I’ve trying REALLY hard to make sure I’m listening to the needs of others. (I have this really bad habit of not listening, you see…)
I am excited about moving in with her, though. My kids like her, and even ask about her when she’s not around. Us moving in together will let us both save a large amount of money, and we should both be able to start school after we get our cars paid off. Methinks it is a good situation.
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Ivy’s (Sara) been really nice to me , and that always makes me weary. I finally told her so. She had the balls to ask why, so I explained to her that I never know if she’s being nice to “just be nice,” or if she’s going to stab me in the back. She looked a little hurt, but I think she understood – She probably feels the same way towards me. It is the nature of a failed relationship.
Speaking of which, she is looking fantastic. She has been working out, and by the gods, She is purdy.
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Wow.
So I’ve been fighting off extreme depression for the past week or so. I feel absolutely worthless, unattractive, unappealing, useless, irresponsible, and unable to do anything right. I’ve been hyper-emotional, to the point where even I can see I’m being unreasonable. Why? I don’t know.
I had to call in sick to work for 3 days last pay period. I had a pain in the back of my head. I eventually went to urgent care, and the doctor was quite funny, in a brash, asinine way. He said, “Welcome to the wonderful world of migraines!” in a very loud voice. Then he prescribed me Vicodin and said that if I get a fever, I should come back because it could be meningitis. What a Guy! (I am completely amused.)
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Kayla had her meds all sorted for a few days, and everything was going well. Until the pharmacy/doctor’s office/insurance company screwed everything up. Fuckers. I really wish they could get their asses together, you know? After all, you’d think they knew what they were doing, seeing as it is their jobs and all…
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I’ve been putting together a tutorial for using wordpress using pictures for my friend, Samber. Not just wordpress, though. It also involves how to setup plugins like: LJ to WordPress, WordPress to Twitter, Search Engine Optimization, and Gallery for WordPress, and a fully integrated Google Calendar. The problem is, I don’t want to ask for passwords or API information. I wish the end user to walk away with the full knowledge of how to perform these actions themselves, without dedicating a lengthy amount of time to learning setup and functionality.
For example: Integrating Goolge’s Calendar API into wordpress requires generating an API key. Google’s tutorial on doing this is not the easiest thing to understand, but it is the most precise. How do I translate semi-advanced computing to common language without sacrificing important information? Well, once I figure that out, I will post a tutorial here in my blog. .scout’s honor.
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Jane is about to die. She’s the rat that I honestly thought of as the weakest, or at least the lowest in the pecking order. She is stubborn, though. She came out and played for almost an hour yesterday. She loves running around, and although the tumor on her side makes it hard to climb, she will keep going until she gets it done. I love listening to her at night, running on her wheel. It used to just squeak when she ran, but now that her muscle is degrading, her back doesn’t have enough strength to hold her tail up, so it hits on every third leg down. I find it inspiring, that she just keeps going, despite her obvious infirmity.
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Bwah. Out of time for tonight. Will finish tomorrow.
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Ok, I’m a little late for the finish. Two days. So sue me.
Went to the playplace today, with Luciene and Amaris. It was the one at Fiesta Mall. I am not going to be doing that again without company – my mind wanders too much and I get too emo. Excuse me, Can I Get a Jack and a Razor? Blegh…
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David Harrison came over the other day. We watched the SNL Best of Christopher Walkin. It is funny. Not Pee my pants funny like Eddie Izzard, or soda out my nose because he’s so out there Dane Cook, but the same Subdued/over the top routine that I’ve come to expect from him. It was not disappointing. .grin.
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Ivy (Sara) is going to Sedona on October 16th, and will be returning the 19th. I’ve made a note to ask about getting that Sunday off in my Blackberry. We’re probably going to trade weekend. I need to talk to Kayla about this, so I’m putting it in here knowing my forgetfulness. Then she’ll read it and ask me about it.
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Talked to Lauren today. Hopefully spending time with her later this week. That is all for now. Exit, Stage Right.
Today, I realized that I am a bit of a hypocrite. one of the most fundamental philosophies that I abide by, and always tell people to do, is let things go. One of my favorite phrases, and probably the single most influential sentence in my life is, “All things are impermanent.”
People are going to behave just like they’ve always behaved. Deep down, I know this. They tell me their history, and I expect something to have changed inside of them to prevent a recurrence of the story they’re telling me. I’m dumb for thinking that. Times change, and as a student of history, I should know that people do not. We continually repeat the same mistakes.
My mistake is that I expect everyone to learn from their mistakes and not repeat themselvers. It’s hard for me to understand that some people like the feelings they get from making mistakes, because it’s familiar and comforting. It’s what we’ve become accustomed to, and we are creatures of habit – I would be dumb to expect anything more. I would be, have been, and current am.
My lesson today? To just not care too much anymore. My goal is to attain a level of caring that shows people I love them, without becoming too attached, so when they make the same mistakes over and over and over again, and I have to watch them suffer (and sometimes suffer on my own), it won’t be as bad.
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While I was driving Kayla around town this morning, I saw a motorcycle accident. It was horrid. The driver swerved to miss a pedestrian that was crossing the wrong crosswalk, and stopped about 10 feet in front of the light. He began to reverse, and got crushed in the side by a small Toyota truck. You could hear the truck collapsing and the driver yelling as his legs were crushed.
I shook my head. It wasn’t real. Again. It was not there. I looked around, and the only thing I saw was a cross and some flowers with a motorcycle helmet next to them on the corner where the pedestrian was trying to cross.
She asked me what that was all about (the head shaking). At the same time, her phone rang, so I tried to dismiss it by saying it was her phone. Felt guilty about not being honest, so I told her there was an accident here recently.
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Cats + Feathered Toys = FUN FUN FUN FUN FURZILES FUN!
My name is Dismal, and I am a number of things on the internet. Currently, I run a blog that is in the top 4% of personal blogs read on the internet. Anywhere between 2000-4000 people read my blog a week.
One of my dear and personal friends recently ran an article on their blog about Model Mayhem, stating that (s)he was denied a profile here, multiple times, based on his/her association with adult content.
As a website that dedicates itself to the promotion of ideas and/or products using sex, sexual appeal, and seduction, I am disappointed to see this sort of behavior. I am at a loss to understand how one can promote items using sex, but shun the idea of adult business. It is almost as though this website is ashamed of human sexuality, which happens to be a normal function of our anatomy. Further, why would a company that does not promote adult sexuality need a “Worksafe Mode.” Who deems what is appropriate from what is not? Is modeling not an art? Is art not subjective, based on the observer’s perception?
Irrespective of this, I must state that, before I run a story on this and garner attention to this issue worldwide, I would like to hear the justification behind your (the moderator’s team and the Website’s Design team) decisions. They, quite frankly, make absolutely no sense to me, but I believe in fairness for all things.
Thank you for your time, in reading and responding to this confusion. I look forward to learning more about this company, and the leadership behind it.
-Dismal Moron
Now, I admit: I am not the best for public letters, nor on the front of being polite; but I thought I did a fairly decent job of being “nice,” at least for me.
This is listed in our rules. This is noting that is not known to anyone who signs up and agrees to the rules.
http://www.modelmayhem.com/po.php?threa … &page=
(10) NO PORNOGRAPHY! Pornographic (“adult” or “X-rated”) images are not allowed on this site, nor are links to porn sites. We certainly have nothing against those who chose to do adult work, but have decided not to allow this site to be used to network in that industry.
Not that I’m a grammar nazi, but he/she didn’t even bother to close the letter. Well, let’s face it, in my honest opinion, JM DEAN didn’t bother to answer a single question. Well, that’s upsetting. I may be horrible at the whole “polite” thing, but I am excellent at clear and concise communication. Now I’m doubting my ability to communicate. Maybe, just maybe, I didn’t clearly relate my questions. Ok. I can deal with that – just clarify in another letter:
Thank you for the time in your response. I appreciate that you would take time out to answer my questions.
However, you did not address any of the questions that I had asked. So, in the hope of clarifying what must have been an abysmally difficult to comprehend paragraph, please abide while I restate my questions in a manner that is more customary to the common person:
1.) Please define pornography, adult, porn site, and X-Rated, as is constituted in your Terms and Conditions. I need to understand the specifics of what is deemed pornography to the moderators of this website. Surely there is a well-defined guideline, so there would be no confusion on the behalf of those who use it.
2.) If, after you have defined the term pornography, there can be found other members that have violated the terms and conditions as you have previously defined, what will happen to those individuals, and the profiles they have created?
3.) Why does a company that does not have any items of an adult nature, or links to adult-themed or related websites, have a “Work-Safe” mode? Why would it need one? (I believe the policy is outlined in Paragraph 11 of the same page you referred me to)
4.) I have found, upon view this website, photographs and models depicting violence in many forms, including fights, death, murder, and suicide. Are these items deemed more appropriate than the naked human form? If so, please logically explain to me why, as I fail to understand why an upstanding site that has a stance on moral issues relating to adult-oriented photographs would promote the appearance of violence.
5.) Why does a website dedicated to helping models, who are (generally) used to assist in the promotion of items and ideas using human sexuality as a motif, decline the users an ability to post artfully appreciative, positive imagery with nudity in it?
Thank you again, for your information regarding this issue. I’m am sure that with a little more information, I can resolve my misunderstanding.
-Dismal Moron
We talked. And talked. and talked more.
She’s sick of talking.
I have so many more questions – Questions that have to be answered before I can acquiesce my feelings of anger and hurt and sorrow and betrayal.
She gave me a play-by-play:
She talked with him, opening up to him.
She snuggled with him, laying her head in his lap. Corrected at the source.
She kissed him, inviting him to garner her affection.
She showered with him, sharing her space with him.
She lavished him, bringing him to pleasure with her lips.
She called me. I hung up. -She was supposed to call me first-
She embraced him, taking him deep into herself.
She finished him, allowing herself to him in.
She slept with him, feeling his warmth next to her.
I keep trying to pretend it hasn’t happened. Everytime I look at her, it’s slightly jarring, slightly painful: like the pain from my hernia during sex. Doing something that used to be so pleasurable suddenly becoming painful.
With time, I know it will heal. I still love her. She’s been more accessible to me since then, but my mind wonders if it is out of guilt, or because she truly feels that way.
I couldn’t have her with me last night – it made me sick. I was sick today, too. Maybe just pretend it never happened. Maybe blame myself? I mean, if ivy and I were divorced, I wouldn’t have had to be at her house with my kids, right? My SO and I would have both been at home…
Maybe enough for now – I can always finish this thought process. For now, I’m going to drink and forget everything.
This week seemed, for the most part, to be a good week. A few of my hallucinations have gotten worse, and one of them caused me to slam on my breaks in the freeway for no “real” reason. Aside from those few misnomers, I’ve been really good at maintaining logic and reason when I see things that don’t add up. Yay Me!!!
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This was the last week of training! Woot! My new schedule starts on Saturday. (The workweek there is Saturday through Friday). I work from 5:30 AM to 4:30 PM, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Sunday. So this week, I’ll have Friday/Saturday off, and then I’ll have Monday/Tuesday off. Plus, I get Paid for Labor day! Sweet!
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We (Kayla and I) went to go look at an apartment this week. It was really nice, however, she is going to have to break her lease. This leaves me torn: Do I want a nice apartment that is close to a park, the playplace, and the sitters; or do I want a place that is just nice (not really nice), has a backyard, is close to the park, the playplace, and the sitters? I keep asking her for an opinion, but I cannot seem to get one.
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Speaking of which, I had forgotten tha tI made this arrangement with Ivy (Sara), but I will be getting $500 a month from her once I have my kids. This makes me alot more comfortable, considering all that’s been happening inside my head and in my heart lately. At least I know my kids will be good, no matter mhow much (or little) I get paid. I make under a grand every two weeks right now (will be changing shortly). That’s just enough to cover the bills and rent for a three bedroom place. $500 will cover the sitter, food, and gas… I hope. Then, if something goes wrong, I’ll have enough to make up for it. Yay!
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As soon as my schedule evens out, I can re-apply for disability. That is good. Very good.
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Playing catch-up with some old friends.
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