Indistinct Mumblings of an Unsound Mind

Today I am forced to reflect.

My children’s laughter gives me motivation to get out of bed in the morning. Luciene usually plays just loud enough to encourage his sister, who screams with giddiness and is full of happy. I took them downstairs and played with them, we watched PBS this morning. I’m happy it came in. Eating cereal and enjoying our company was wonderful.

I am very worried about Kayla. She has given everything up, and is over-worked and over-stressed. Verizon is still sucking her soul out through their fluorescent lights, and she has no money, and she owes bills, all because of me.

I still honestly think that the best bet to get this entire situation under control is to take the option with Tarl and Megan until disability comes in. That will allow catching up on bills, stability for income, and security for a house. Unfortunately, I highly doubt Kayla would take the offer. I bring it up to her, and it never really gets discussed between us.

I keep trying to talk with Killa, but it seems that fate does not have it in her cards anytime soon. That’s ok, so long as we keep trying. I refuse to lose her again. Ever.

DriveTime has been working with me about my car. They’ve offered to abstain from action for as long as they can; and will push back my payments that are due, attaching them to the end of my contract, so long as I begin to pay them again when my disability comes in.

My friend, Erica, has a website up now. I like it so far, and I hope that it will continue to develop in the manner of which it has started.

That is all for now.

Today was a decent day. No episodes, but alot of panic. Hid in the bathroom for awhile while Kayla was yelling at the dog. Didn’t do any cleaning. I know I was supposed to, but I was too depressed to do it.

I tried to talk with Kayla about what her long term plans are. She’s stuck trying to get everything under control and can’t really seem to think about anything out further than about 3 months.

Quite a few friends have offered to take us in, and for this I am grateful. I am stuck at an impasse. Let me explain:

I think it would be best for us to take the offer from my brother, Tarl, and go live with him until my disability comes in. It is a clean home, away from everything, and will basically provide a stable, stress-free environment for everyone. But I am afraid that if I take that offer, I’m going to lose my girlfriend. But I’m also afraid that if things stay the way they are, she’s going to go off the deep end.

I’m open to suggestions.
—
I’m almost out of medication, but I have an appointment with intake at JSCS next wednesday, at 8:00, I think. I need to contact them and find out. Will add to calendar.

I have that appointment with disability on the 8th, at 4:00 PM, I think. I will call them to double check that and add it to the calendar as well.

And then Kayla has an appointment on the 9th. Don’t remember the time, but she is going to call and confirm it anyways.
—
Sara got hired! Yay!

Schedule is as follows:

12-8 on Saturday
12-7 on Sundays
3-8 on Mondays (On Call)
4-8 on Tuesday
3-8 on Wednesday (Kids go to Sara’s)
Off on Thursdays
3-8 on Fridays (Kids come home!)
—
And, I’m done!

Life is still on hold.

Children are happy. They went to see their Mother yesterday. She let me drop them off on Saturday Night, so I got an actual day away from them. They are VERY happy and excited today.

My TV no longer receives channel 8, which I don’t like. When my children are actually watching the TV, I prefer Cailou and Sesame Street as opposed to Elliot the Moose and My Friend Rabbit. On a side note, I do prefer them to watch Babar instead of Barney. I loathe Barney, and wish his purple dinosaur suit to bathe in a pool of tar.

I need to call Dr. Roth today. I’m going to do so now.

. .. … …. ….. ……

Fuck me. They don’t accept my health insurance. Now I get to call AHCCCS and find a good psych. Fantastic.

Oh well.

I honestly don’t think Mike Owens is going to pull through with the HUD VASH support. I’m really panicky, but I’m not allowed to show it.

Last night, we watched Funny People. It’s a decent movie. Made me think too much. I spent the majority of the night lying in bed, watching Kayla sleep, and thinking about how much of a screw-up I am.

I am thankful for friends and family to support me today, though. It’s nice knowing that, if everything fails, it will be difficult, but my family will survive.

With that being stated, I am done for the day. Note to self: Backup Databases tonight, and finish ripping your movies.

Kitchen? Clean.
Living Room? Clean.
Our Bedroom? Clean.
Children’s Room? Clean.
Bathrooms? Clean.
Trash? Out.
Laundry? Almost Complete.
Kids? Fed, Cleaned, Groomed, Read-to, Educated, and in bed.
Girlfriend? Miserable.
—
Krista’s marriage ceremony is in April. I have been thusly invited, and stated I am happy to go, so long as I have a sitter.

Kayla has a doctor’s appointment on my birthday, I believe at 15:30. Need to call Patino’s office to confirm.

I have the appointment in with the SSI Shrink on the 8th. DO NOT FORGET!
—
Hallucinations are nearly gone so long as I stay indoors, and there is no stress. I have more energy, and feel up to going outside. It’s been raining here lately, and I have REALLY been enjoying the rain.

The bad news? I have been having a lot of trouble sleeping. I sleep for 2 hours, at most, then I just lie there awake until about 7 AM, when my kids start chattering. Only then do I resume normal sleep until about 8:15 AM, then I get up, shower, and go downstairs.
—
The scabs on my arms are turning into scars. I never used to scar. This is an unforeseen development. I don’t want scars. It wasn’t to hurt myself – it was something to focus on to stop the voices. .sigh. Now I have a permanent reminder that I’m a fuck up with head issues that will someday land me in an institution.
—
I don’t think the HUD VASH situation is going to work out. It’s just a gut feeling. One of the rules pretty much says that you virtually have to be homeless before they will step in and help. I’m waiting for clarification on that from their specialist case worker. Basically, there is no provisional assistance for veterans that are going to lose their home; just the ones that have already lost everything.

This puts me back where we started. I have no income, and it will be awhile until disability comes in. Kayla cannot work because of stress and Verizon Wireless fucking with her head. Rent is $680.95, and due in 10 days.

I am loathe to admit it, but I should probably just pack up and call everything a loss. I’m a fuckup, I’m going to lose my girlfriend. It will cost her dearly: her guinea pigs, her pride, her sanity, and she’s going to lost that much more faith and trust in relationships. Why? Because I’m a screwup. Everyone I touch, everyone I love – they all become miserable, lose everything, and leave.
—
I helped my brother move into his house yesterday. That was a lot of fun. It is a HUGE house. Bigger than I would have fathomed. It’s a little ways out there, but no further than when I was out on Santa Cruz in Queen Creek.
—
I am so worried about money. I’m trying not to show it, but it makes me want to break down and just cry and hide in my room all day.

Sometimes, I feel alone.

Not that I am – my friends and family surround me and care for me.

It’s just that, there are some days and some nights where I feel like no one gets me. Somehow, my mind always drifts back to my Bratgirl. I’ve tried to ignore my feelings, and repress them, and then replace them, but in the back of my head, her chaotic smile will always echo with it’s hidden laughter and compassion. I loved her in ways I don’t think I will ever be capable of again. She was my sister, my companion, and my best friend. Millions of words at my fingertips all become so simple and less elegant when compared to the massive wall of feelings left behind when she died.

She has always been the one I could talk to. I didn’t have to be ashamed of myself, or my feelings. She stood up for me when she thought I was right, and she told me when I was dead wrong. I miss hearing her voice, and holding her hands; hugging her so tightly that her breath’s moisture clung to my hair. Crazy antics, and talks about true happiness – making plans for the future, and cleaning out the headlines from our pasts.

She alone knew me, better than anyone. Better than you, or them, or even me. She truly was my other half, and I’ve lost her. I’ve lost love, and with it the majority of myself. It’s taken me so long to realize that; too long to realize that.

For many years, we had depended on each other to keep ourselves together. I don’t even know where to begin myself again without her. Now I am forced to wretch the pieces together and see what remains to be shaped from those jagged, bitter pieces. I miss her, and without her comforting guidance, I feel so very lost and alone.

There. I said it. Now leave me the hell alone.

—
Tonight I wish that my company wasn’t here.
Not because I don’t like them, or because they’re irritating me, or anything like that.
Simply because I have laundry downstairs that I want to finish, and I can’t, lol.
—
I’ve been having multiple fights with Kayla the past few days. The stress that we’re both under is straining our relationship to the breaking point. We’ve both said our fair share of a few foul words, and neither of us seems to be able to release the stress.
—
Luciene is way behind on his learning curve for school. He should be reading by now, but he spent a large amount of time watching television before I had him. We have been working on his numbers and letters. He can identify the letters of the alphabet now, and his numbers, but he does have some trouble with the order.

Both he and his sister, Amaris (who is two years younger, I might add), are on the same level. They can also say the majority of words in English and Spanish, identify colors, and know the proper way to behave in public. That doesn’t mean they always do, but they try; and that earns points in my book.
—
My medication is just about out. Due to my idiotic mistake of believing that I was taking my medications when I was hallucinating, I have about 7 days left for my meds. Thankfully, I can still go get the rest of my refill, which should last until I can schedule a follow-up appointment with Dr. Roth.

On my to-do list for tomorrow is the following:

1.) Call Dr. Roth’s office.
-Schedule my appointment.
-Reschedule Kayla’s appointment.
2.) Call Mike Owens from the VA Benefits Center and find out information on HUD VASH.
3.) Call Social Security Disability and find the pending status of my Claim (SSI).
4.) Call the VA and find the status of my Claim (VA).
5.) Fold and put away laundry, Wash the children’s linen.

So, tomorrow will be a busy day. I need to go input all of that into my calendar here.
—
I did get a chance to catch up with an old friend of mine, Yay! She’s the purdy one, on my (bucket)list. Now, if I could just get her drunk enough…. .cough. errr… I meant…

To appease the imagination, I will post a picture, and a link to her blog:

By the way….. So Hot! Yum!

Anyways, I’ll leave you all with that. I know she’s not one of my nudie, kinky, porno-fiend friends, but c’mon now: She is hot, a gamer, and a bit of a nerd. What more can one ask for?

You can catch her on twitter, @VictoriaPaege.

Today, I found out that I am thoroughly, totally, wholly, and completely financially screwed.

I have no income, aside from food stamps. Kayla can’t work because, let’s face it, Verizon Wireless is the worst company in the world to work for. Over 70% of their employees end up filing for Short Term Disability based on mental issues of for stress. I find that interesting, and most of my personal friends know and understand this. It’s just sad, that a company offering so many awesome benefits, cannot be bothered to listen to their employees.

Ivy (Sara) lost her job today. She was fired. Her boss said she was being laid off due to a downtime in the economy. She, in all reality, was replaced. Saddening, because this kills the entirety of my income, as she was paying me in support of my children.

I’ve had a few people offer to put me up in their residences, and to be completely honest, I may end up having to partake in one of those offers. I don’t like this idea, as I have animals I do not wish to part with. That, and it is not fair to those people to deal with my plethora of issues, or my children, or my girlfriend. Plus, I don’t even think she would come with me, in all reality.
—
We have FOOD! OMIGOD! That is amazing, and I am grateful for Governmental Programs! Now, as long as Mike pulls through and helps me out with rent, the aforementioned won’t happen.
—
I’ve been absent from most things lately. Stress is monumental. I feel like I’m holding together pretty good, though, considering. I’ve only had one real episode lately. I thought I was taking my pills. I wasn’t. It’s amazing. I was hallucinating that I was taking my pills because I wasn’t taking my pills. There is a distinct irony in that.

I woke up this morning, and during a conversation I told Kayla it was Monday. She told me it was Tuesday, yesterday was Monday, and I need to get my days straight. Of course, I may have completely hallucinated that conversation.

The past two days have been long. My mind has been reeling and teetering back and forth.

That being stated, I think I’m doing a little better. Kayla, on the other hand, has been sick.

—
Today is Tuesday.

Tarl and Megan are still here. And just becasue I can:

—
My childrens are doing well. I’m still waiting on disability. I check the mail avidly for something: Foodstamps, Ahcccs, SSI, or VA disability.

I am hoping to go see some of my friends this weekend. I need to see Killa. I haven’t seen her since she was in the hospital. And Leo, I need to see Leo as well. Billy and Justin Gonzales have contacted me recently. So has Louie. I haven’t heard from him since the last run-in at the bookstore.
—
I haven’t been keeping up to date on my links. I’m sorry. If I get my list of stuff done today, I will correct this on my most recent entries.

TTFN.

The voices in my head don’t stop.

They are always screaming at me, a cacophony in the background surging forward to wash over the surf and tide of my mental shores. Sometimes the moon leads them forward, and then fleetingly pulls their scathing granules back to where they came, and other times they press onward, searing and sanding me with insults, directing me and filling me with putrid anger and rebuke at everything. Anger with them, anger with others, anger with myself.

Always with myself.

For not being able to separate them out as false, and ignore them like every other child learns to do for their imaginary friends. For letting them control my mind, my thoughts, and my actions. For letting the worst parts of myself come to life so vividly and re-enact things I’ve done, and tell me other things I can do.

If I hyper focus, I can sometimes acheive silence, but it takes something really difficult. Like organizing legos into a creation while simultaneously programming in PHP and instructing a person on how to correct an internal issue with the DNS propigation or customer service inquiries. The major problem is that, once I’ve masetered doing three, four, or even five things at once, I become bored and regimented in my processes. It is nothing more than an automated biometric process. I then need something else to do.

If I don’t get something else to do, the voices start creeping back in. And with the voices always come the people. Sometimes I know them, most often not. They step in, and introduce themselves, and talk with me, and interact with me, and sometimes I see them interact with others. I never know who is really there anymore. Sometimes, if there is nothing else I can do, I will hyper focus on pain.

Yes, there are cuts on my arm, again.

Those weren’t meant to kill me, or even to attract attention. It was meant to cause enough pain to make it all stop so that I can think. I’m writing this in the small amount of time I have before they all settle back upon me and make me go paranoid again. Kayla is out with Guillermo. I’m glad she’s having a good time. I did something yesterday, and the people have been beating me up for it since we fought. I can’t even remember what I was supposed to do today. It was something in our room, but I’m so anxious and nervous that I cannot think.

I walked to Circle K to get a drink.

On my way there, I played chicken with a car. One of the people told me that I was invincible, and that I couldn’t get hurt. … I believed her. The car slammed on it’s breaks, and squealed to a halt. I caught the thing on picture. I didn’t move, but I did not get hit. My blood pressure didn’t even change – I had acutally believed I was invincible. I took all three of my tenex today, but I don’t think I’m getting any better.

I called Sara earlier today, and asked her if it would be possible to pick up the kids tonight, instead of me driving them out to her tomorrow morning. She asked if it was an emergency. I guess that I’m not at risk for suicide, and the children are safe with Tarl and Megan, as far as I can tell. I wasn’t trying to be imposing, I was just being honest. I should not be left alone with the children in my state of mind.

I don’t trust myself tonight. I’ve been trying to get ahold of Kayla all day, because, despite having fought with her last night, she is TRULY my first choice for my children when I am completely out of it. She was sleping. I’ve been trying to explain to her that I actually need her tonight, but I keep coming off as an asshole. I’m not trying to be one, I’m just that desperate. I know she needs her break, I’m just afraid to be alone tonight. I got nothing done today. Not even dishes. I was hiding in the blanket. Not the cute, cuddling you do when there’s a thunderstorm. No, I was completely covered, cowering and terrified to come out because there are so many people screaming at me, and listing my failures, and telling me how everything is just a cycle and we can watch it happen over and over again, and that I should just stop the cycle now and end it. I guess that says all for that. As for me, I’m going to try and force a smile, and pretend nothing is wrong, and just ignore everything that is happening outside my body, because none of it is real. If you are a religious person, pray for me, and those like me. This is a madness that no one person deserves to suffer.
—
On another note, I am angry. I never get to do anything anymore. I miss going out with my girlfriend. I miss my friends. I have being locked inside this house all day. I want and desire for fulfilling adult communication. I want to feel good, wanted, loved, and intelligent. I’m tired of doing the same thing every day. I’ve mastered it, and now I need something more intriguing, before the voices interrupt my daily schedule as well.

I need to get out more.

Last night went great, until we had a fight about my parenting habits. Let me start by saying that I do not, ever, wish to unnecessarily punish my children. I also don’t believe in asking my children not to do something without having a reason why. My children do what they are asked, regardless of how they feel about it. They are not allowed to say no, rather – they are allowed to ask why. “Because I Said So,” is not a valid answer, and they will tell you that. If the answer takes too long to explain, I tell them to follow my directions, and that I will explain it when we are done.

This is the major rule of my parenting style. All other rules fall under it:

1.) No hitting, because it can hurt other people
2.) No breaking things that don’t belong to you, because it upsets the owner.
3.) You must listen to the follow people: Kayla, Mom, Killashandra, Tarl, Megan, and Leo; because they are adults whose judgement I trust and that I care for very deeply.
4.) Tell me if you have a poopy diaper, are sick, or have an owie, because I want to fix it and make you better.
5.) and the list of rules go on like that, tedious, but particular, with a reason for each one….

The problem was that my kids were running back and forth on the floor yesterday. The weren’t being verbally loud (IE: yelling and screaming), although they did laugh loudly on occasion. No, his feet were making loud noises on the floor at 5:45 PM to 6:25PM because he was running around. Now, I don’t have a problem with this at all, in fact, I encourage it. Why? Because they are playing, and learning, and just having fun. If I tell them we need to stop, they stop, but it breaks their hearts. Normally, I don’t tell them to stop until about 6:30-6:45. Then we start calming down for the evening, and all is well.

As the children were running around last night, Kayla and I had a fight about the aforementioned. She doesn’t want the kids to run around. She threatened me last night saying that if the kids are going to behave this way, maybe she shouldn’t live here. The upset me greatly. 1.) Because I care for her a lot, and it forces me into the position of choosing between the woman I love or the children I love. 2.) Because everyone I know understands that my children come first.

I would sacrifice everything I hold dear to me, all I love, and even myself, to provide for them. Since their mother has “other priorities,” I know that it is, has been, and will always be up to me to provide a good environment for them to grow up in and be whole. I had my chance to grow up normal, and I chose eccentricity and a mad life. Desite all my bad choices, I came out awkardly normal. It is my hope, through good parenting and the indoctrination of logic, that my children will be fully functioning, independent spirits, without fear for the new, and holding all in child-like wonderment. Intelligent, strong-willed, compassionate, and willing to learn, admitting fault, and looking for solutions instead of stopping at dead ends. These are what I wise to raise my children to be – the best traits of me, without the mental illness. Charisma, courage, leadership, patience, loyalty, analytical, and peaceful.

Anyways, Kayla disagrees with my point here. She wants them quiet. Last night, she provided a few counterpoints. They could get hurt, or run around a corner, or into a person, or a dog. They might break something. My whole thing is, They Haven’t.

I’m not going to ask them to stop doing something that is causing no direct, or indirect harm to anyone or anything. They are just expressing their energy. If I ask them not to do something (such as running inside), and they do it again (which, they will eventually), I end up having to punish them. And in my mind, it’s punishing them for something I don’t even agree with.

Honestly – I am not a bad father. I am definitely not going to be put in the position of picking between two people I love. I had made up my mind, and when I asked for any reasons why it should change that made logical sense, none were provided. She became really angry with me, and threw a few things, said that she’d hoped I hallucinated the hell out of things tonight, and then she went outside.

My daughter was crying, and my son sunggled closer to me. Amaris kept asking why Kayla was angry. I told her that everyone gets angry at some point and time, and that it would be ok. I held them both close for a few minutes, then we went upstairs, showered, and they went to bed.

I took 1 tenex, 3 lorazepam, 2 paxil, 2 benadryl pills, and 6 Tsp benadryl liquid, then I cried myself to sleep. It was dreamless. I awoke at 2:30. Kayla was in bed with me, but wouldn’t snuggle. I could vaguely remember why. I got up to go to the bathroom, and the world was spinning something fierce. I almost didn’t make it. I fell down on the way back to bed, and layed there until 8:32,w hen I got up to tell the children they were being too loud. At 9:02, I got everyone up, and we went down for breakfast.

Kayla came down at 10:28, and did not say anything to anyone. She fed and watered the Piggehs, grabbed hes stuff, and went out the door. Dont’ know where she went, or when she’s coming back.