My allergies are killing me. The good part is that, due to lying in bed/on the couch, I didn’t see as many things today.
I miss sex. Arranged to meet a guy.on Craigslist today, but he was a complete flake. It’s a good thing, too – my face and eyes are.swollen and red, and I was sock, as previously mentioned.
I have an appointment at the VA this Friday. Oh joy!
I need to find a feline trainer.
Goodnight, Jim.
…the Seroquel, that is. It has done nothing but make me worse, and I gave it a week to settle in my system. That’s the good news. The bad news is that I have to step down, so it will be at least another week of this crap.
That’s pretty much all for the past few days.
Happened today.
We went to the park, and the usual happened when we went to the park.
I started a new twitter-feed on my site, specifically for my hallucinations. Kayla mentioned to me that, if I don’t talk about my hallucinations, and I don’t write them down, people don’t think they happen. That is an excellent point. And if I don’t write them down, I can’t recall them for a doctor. So, if you’re interested, you can find them under “Dreams & Reality.”
Aside from that little blib, like I said: Nothing of note happened today.
This morning, we woke up late to an appointment that we thought was rescheduled. it happens. We went to the OB/GYN together, and I watched her new doctor separate and probe her to check for strings.
Her doctor was fun, and entertaining. More importantly, she was well educated in the side effects of Paragard, and explained a lot of the most common issues her prior patients experienced. That was nice, and a welcome change to her previous doc, who is no longer with the company.
Today’s hallucinations were nothing out of the ordinary. I was reminded my Kayla that I need to keep track of them. So, here’s today’s summary: Candycanes on the road, a labyrinth in the pool/courtyard, my cats became flying wombats, the freeway had turned into a scene from fifth element, and other smaller, less noteworthy things happened.
I did get good news today. Unfortunately, I can’t disclose it here as my Children’s Grandmother on their mother’s side may still be reading my blog. It is public, after all. Let’s just say, things are finally getting smoothed out.
Met with Ameila Peterson from Jewish Family & Children’s Services today. She’s the person assisting me with the SMI claim. She’s been doing her work since 1980. Holy Crap – She looked, maybe 30. If I was her age, I’d probably find her attractive. At any rate, she has helped me to begin the process for SMI. Which is good – It would provide me a kind-of caseworker to ensure that I get to my appointments, and help me develop a plan for independent living.
She seemed nice, and for the most part she was genuine in her caring and desire to help other people. I only saw the fake “business” smile about three times. She just got here from Rochester, NY. For the most part, she dislikes Arizona as much as I do, but she’s here for her daughter, who is studying at ASU.
I have had so many hallucinations with the Seroquel, it is not worth even mentioning. Some of the more entertaining highlights include the streetlights turning into giant corndogs, marshmallows on the ground instead of cement, cotton candy clouds, pumpkins as lighting fixtures, and the sun turning into a large incandescent lightbulb (I mistakenly assessed it as a florescent bulb, lol).
Kayla and I had a good day together while we were out of the house. I was a little loopy, but I basically followed her around, and took my sweet time touching things and using logic to figure out what is really there. We went shopping in a few places for groceries, and came home. She’s asleep right now – her allergies started acting up as soon as she got into the bed. Probably needs to wash the dog. I’d be willing to bet she’ll do that tomorrow morning. Hope she feels better: she deserves a nice day to relax.
In my freetime tonight, I think I’ll design a new background for my twitter account.
Well, that’s all for now, folks.
Holy Crap. I am definitely worse on the new medication.
Today, I sat and enjoyed the underwater experience in my living room. It had filled with water, despite the doors being open, and my children were swimming while watching the television.Yes. I think this was during their naptime. Later on, while at the park, I spoke with a balloon-animal creating female clown. My son came and asked me who I was talking to. Try explaining hallucinations to your five year old.
I’m going to keep up this medication for another 2-3 days. I wrote my psych a letter. It’s at the end of this post.
Aside from the hallucinations, Today was a good day. My children were VERY well behaved. They ate a lot of food, but other than that we hit the park and the basketball court. They played nicely.
Took Yue to the park today. She’s doing a lot better.
Disability called – denied my claim. Contacted lawyer: Andrew Muirhead. They’re sending me paperwork and we’re appealing the case.
Anyways, that’s all for the day. Here’s the letter:
—
Joe,
Thank you for taking the time to assist me with treatment. I appreciate that, and I wanted you to know that before you read anything else in this letter.
I am slightly disappointed at your assessment of my symptoms, and the immediate response of migrating to the only anti-psychotic drug that I have not taken. I understand that you have been taught chemistry can make almost all mental issues better. Unfortunately, this is not the case for me.
I have been on the half-tablet regimen, as you prescribed, since I last saw you. My calendar say that was on the 22nd. I am saddened to say that the hallucinations are worsening at a phenomenal rate.
Today I spent most of the day watching my children swim around our living room, which had turned into a large aquarium. We went to the park, and I was interacting with a clown that made balloon animals. My son asked me who I was talking to before I realized that I was the only one who saw her. Last night, at Walmart, I watched a walking skeleton shop for food. These are just some of the issues I have been dealing with.
Seeing as the only thing you asked about was my medication history, diagnosis date, and treatment history; I am going to let you know about the other things I am doing to make life “normal.”
1.) I maintain a blog online. In this blog, I track most of my actions, mundane or not, hallucination or not. My support group and my friends then go online, and read about my day. If I spent time with them, they post what actually happened, as opposed to what I thought happened, as a comment on the blog. The address is http://2love2learn.net.
2.) I also maintain an online database of my friends, family, and goals. It is labelled “Who the?!? (People)” and located on the table of contents, at the right hand side of my blog, under the heading “Lost and Found.” Here you can also find a calendar with all my events, medication times, appointments, and where I am supposed to be. That is under the heading “Calendar.”
3.) As well, I have also had episodes where I do not not where I am, or correctly recall the reality of how I got there. Example: I got there by following a giant floating rhododendron down an avenue to a crystalline cave. In case of this, there is a Map on my website that Always displays my current location. It can be found under the heading “twitterMap.”
4.) I have a large support group of friends that check on me. Constantly. Via my website, Twitter, Facebook, Texting, Calling, and physically coming by. This is done to ensure my safety, and the safety of my children and pets. I have yet to do anything endangering, but we have put together a lot of planning for a just-in-case. Yes, it is a lot of effort, but they are willing to do a lot to help me retain my independence.
Now, a little more about me. I am well-educated. Not the average person well-educated. I rank, on my lowest test, in the 97th percentile of intelligent people, and not on just one test. Pull up my military ASVAB scores. Please don’t treat my suggestions like the misguided thoughts of an uneducated fool I am not a regular patient. I have lasted for 5 years with a debilitating illness, and struggled through more strife that you can possibly imagine. This was done through research. I sought out experts in the field. I have spoken with and written to numerous people, finding the solutions that are the best for them. I have tested every one of them, using myself as the subject. I am more desperate to overcome this than you were to get out of school.
I know my disease, inside and out, Joe. I want someone who is an equal, that will listen and help; not just prescribe medications. I could have had any quack doing that. Hell, I could have bought them via the internet and tested them at home for potency to ensure proper dosage.
That being out of the way, I am still taking the Seroquel. I will be stopping at seven days if it does not get better. If it continues to
worsen, I will be stopping in two. If, by some miracle, it gets better, I will absolutely let you know. If it is still not working, I wish to re-iterate my request of a service animal. As well, I would prefer to see a therapist, about once a month, for help and ideas with issues that I and my support group could not resolve on our own.
I have a program that is 90% working right now. I have accepted that I will probably never work again. At this point, I just wish to retain what I have left of my mental acuity, and try to live the rest of my life as an independent, normal, single-parent family.
Thank you in advance, for your consideration and your kindness in treating people like myself. I truly do appreciate the work you do, and I know exactly how much time you spent studying your craft. I look forward to seeing you again. My appointment with you is on Monday, April 19th, 2010.
-J. Lott
Today was very productive. I cleaned the whole whose from top to bottom, and almost finished all the laundry and dishes. (We ran out of detergent, lol.) The kids were very well-behaved, and despite us not going anywhere, they seemed to have a really good time.
Amaris begged me to read her a bedtime story before they went to sleep tonight, so we read The Cat in the Hat. Boy, my tongue needs to take up drinking to relax after reading that. .phew.
I got to speak with a good friend on the phone today. She is doing well, and her writing is coming along. She just inherited, by proxy, a large amount of responsibility, but I know she can handle it – She’s just awesome like that. She does have hopes of being a writer, and I honestly think it’s something that she’s good at.
A lot of fun stuffs happened with the cats today, but itwas the piddly stuff that would only entertain people like myself and Kayla.
They still haven’t repo’d the car. .laughs.
I made the calls I was supposed to make today for both myself and Leo. I now have an appointment for 11:00 AM, this Thursday, with Ameila Peterson at the Jewish Family & Children’s Services Center for an SMI Application. YAY!
Hopefully, that will mean no more dragging one of my friends/girlfriend/random people of opportunnity with me wherever I go.
Speaking of where I go, I just got back from Wal-Mart. I’m on Seroquel now, despite my raised objections to my psych. It is definitely not helping with the insomnia. And what has this to do with Wal-Mart? Well, I was looking at a woman there, and thinking, God – She looks like a skeleton! Yes, superficial, I know. Then I turned, grabbed the milk, and put it in the cart. She rolled up to me and got the milk, only She actually was a skeleton.
Yeah. I can honestly say that I think it’s making it worse. That, and my chest has been really tight all day, and I’m GORGING on food. My stomach is distended, but I’m still fucking hungry. and a bit cranky because of it.
Being a good sport, I’m giving it a full week. But this initial period is not looking so well.
That is all for now, I think.
Well, I went to the psych today. The trip is a story of it’s own. the day did start off fairly well, despite it not ending the morning nicely.Dropped the kids off at my ex’s, and had a small(ish) fight with Kayla.
Got to the shrink, had to go it alone. Scared stupid. Gave my history, as far as I remember it. Probably screwed a few things up. I really wish someone was there with me. I saw an intern in his office. He wasn’t really there.
His option is to put me on the last atypical psychotic that I haven’t tried. I am against this, but I will try it. I’m dropping off the prescription tonight. .sigh. I also have to go get bloodwork done. I HATE BLOODWORK. I’m so scared of needles. The last time I had bloodwork done, they literally had to strap me to the table.
He gave me some basic instructions. I don’t feel like he listened to me at all. I expressed that I feel my current medication is doing well, and I would prefer a service animal. I thought I presented this to him and advocated for it. His preference seemed to be writing a new script. .grr. Pisses me off, but what can I say?
Next month, I go back to see him again. If he doesn’t listen, and I’m not better, I’m going to chew him a new asshole – 8 years in practice or not. .punt. Stupid, know-it-all, too intelligent to listen to his patient’s needs, Nurse Practitioning Brass Pole. So there.
I’ll be scanning in the documentation and his card later on tonight. My next appointment is on April 19th, at 8:30 AM. … I think.
—
After the doctor, the car’s battery was dead. Kayla got some guy to jump it. Dropped me off at the Ex’s. Spent the morning, and part of the afternoon catching up while the kiddos played at the playplace.
After a brief nap, we went to the park. I had been having a bad time hallucinating today, and there were people at the park. I couldn’t tell if they were real or not, so I took a picture. (Click here for picture). In my count, there are 2 adults, 1 male and 1 female, and 4 children. I know the children are there, because my kids are playing with them. But the adults. My kids didn’t acknowledge them. We went home. I chilled for a few, and we went to the basketball court instead.
—
Lila barfed all over the place last night. Not just a little. Think the barf-scene from Mafia.
That was fun.
—
Well, I think that covers it for now. Buh-Bye!
I’m logging into my blog for my daily entry, and finding out that it’s been a few days. Where did the time go? It’s just one of the benefits of not being in my “right” mind. I wonder, should I call it my “left” mind?
My children have revolted against eating anything other than cereal and breaded chicken. I did to them what my parents did to me: Eat what’s been cooked (Some pretty damn good stuffed porkchops, greenbeans, stuffing, and mashed potatoes), or go hungry. They both opted for no dinner, and no breakfast. I caught my daughter in her room, nomming on cardboard/paper (I couldn’t really tell what it was at that point.) Damn stubborn kids. They get it from their mom.
I immediately gave up on that front, and took them downstairs for food. They ate 4 bowls of cereal. I feel bad.
—
I’ve been really scatterbrained as of late. I can hardly communicate with other people. Talking, texting, emailing, even public forums like Facebook, I’m having a hard time.
Hallucinations have also been kicking in. I missed finding my cat. Yeah, it doesn’t seem like much, but I was staring at her, three times, before I saw her.
—
I did get Yue to wear the harness today, and I started clicker-training the cats. Today is Sunday, and I go see the Psych tomorrow. I need to call Sara, and ask her to watch the children during my appointment.
—
Kayla’s sleeping right now. I’ve been really depressed, and as loathe as I am to admit it, even paranoid. I am afraid that disability is going to deny me, and Kayla will have lost all interest in the relationship. I’ve also gained weight. I’m only 20lbs short of 200. I need to lose 40lbs for health reasons. .sigh.
—
Well, that is all for now. Hopefully my next update is tomorrow. 
For the most part, today was a good day. I cleaned my kids room, and did most of my chores. There was a man that I talked to while walking the dog. The dog’s name is Xena. She’s a terribly obese dog, but a lover.
I carried on a few good conversations online, and made no progress on the websites I am supposed to be working on, lol.
Kayla is off for the next two days. I hope she’s in a good mood. Sara (Ivy) is watching the kids tomorrow night. It was unclear whether or not she will be taking them to her apartment (Well, it was clear to me that she would be, but knowing her, something will change.)