Stupid depressive pills…
So, Before you read this, know a few things.
1.) This journal is for me, by me. Meaning? I write in here so I remember my thoughts, feelings, and the actuality of events occuring.
2.) Sometimes, I will voice my opinions and feelings. That doesn’t mean it is how I always feel. It is a mere snapshot of the fragmented mind I possess while writing.
3.) What? Screw off. I don’t have to have a third reason. But if I did, it would be here. This space has been intentionally left blan…. well, insulting.
So, before reading this, remember that I like the majority of my life right now, despite my few gripes.
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Today, I went to Wal-Mart to pick up my prescription medication. While waiting for them to fill it, I took a walk through the children’s aisle. Seeing all the toys, running my hand over the bouncy-chairs: It took my breath away. I remembered looking at the cribs, and bedsets, and ottomans; running my hand over the firm wood at the baby store, and being taken by the hand touch and feel the different bedding. Reading though all the baby books in the store, and scrutinizing every toy: from the sounds that it emitted when buttons were pressed to the different ways the balls rolled when pushed.
I can still see hopes and dreams. Everything was planned, and glistening on the bright blue edges of marble swirls. So much was set for the future. Everything was going to work out, and we were all going to enjoy a better life.
Then it all came crashing back down to reality, and I walked to the drink aisle and grabbed a bottle of Arizona Tea and drifted back to the Pharmacy. I sat and thought about everything I’d planned, and what a disappointment I had been to others. To my family. To myself.
Walking back out to the car, I dragged my finger across the screen of my phone to start the music player. Perfect Circle’s remake of Imagine starting droning forward. This phone was a gift from my girlfriend. My girlfriend is awesome. From top to bottom. She looks amazing, and cares for people that she is close to, and despite loathing children, comes down and plays with mine almost daily. She is a lot of things that I’ve asked for in a woman, and I’d be stupid to be discontent.
Sometimes, though, I get so depressed. I wish I could have a functional family. Instead, I have depressive, dissatisfied bouts that cause so many problems I don’t think I’ll ever be able to hold a “normal” relationship. I worked my ass off to try and get the perfect house with a picket fence. That will never happen. I can get close, but I will never achieve it.
That stated, Luciene was not a good listener today. And Amaris, again, testing the limits.
Egh. I’m emotionally exhausted.
I want True high-speed internet. So I can download things and watch hulu.