August 6th, 2010 at 7:53 PM
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It’s been an interesting week, if nothing else. A large amount of information is being dumped into my private blog. I am grateful to have a place where I can speak the thoughts that anger people. Sometimes I still need to vent, you know?
Everything is still the same. It’s always the same. I haven’t really left the house recently, excepting when Mike took me to my Doctor’s appointment. My kids seem to be doing fine. I’m waiting on a bike from Tarl – he was supposed to bring it by today. I’m guessing he forgot. I sent him a message, but he didn’t answer. I’ll have to call him tomorrow. Otherwise, I will have no way to get Luciene to school on Monday.
Fought with Sara about the kids, schooling, money, and scheduling visits. That was. Joyous. Because my life isn’t hellish enough, I had to deal with her load of bull, too. Spent the afternoon trying to calm down. Didn’t happen.
Kayla went out and had a good time. I’m honestly glad she got to go. Unfortunately, I pissed her off within two hours of her getting home. Go me. I’m hiding upstairs in the room right now to avoid angering her any further.
Killa finally got back to me. I am very happy with this, as I have missed her dearly. The letter explained so much, and I’m not really sure what to reply back to her; but I am glad to hear from her.
Still dealing with Disability filing via the state. Lots of fun. Also talked to my VSO: My Rep hasn’t called me back in over two months. I even left a message on his cell phone. Not sure what the hell is going on there, but at this point I’m thinking about trying to find a different VSO. Despite being “the best” the only time I’ve heard from him was when I went into the office for our initial meeting.
Hallucinations are kicking my ass all over the place, but I’m trying to deal with them. It seems to be the same ones, over and over and over again; and that repetition makes them easier to deal with, but it’s still really difficult mentally. It stresses me the hell out when I find out that I’ve been interacting with something not there, and usually makes things a lot worse.
That’s all I’m putting out here for now. Maybe more later.
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August 1st, 2010 at 5:33 PM
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Lately I’ve been posting to my private area more and more often. Not because I don’t feel like being open – Everything I post there can be found somewhere else on the internet. Mostly because I don’t want the people I love to know how I feel. I’m tired of being asked if everything is ok. It’s not, so stop asking. This was supposed to be a place where I can post everything, but it seems that I can’t. So I’ll just stay with things that I think happened.
I woke up, still a treehouse. It seems that this is going to be a constant until I move. Maybe even afterward, who knows? Outside there are cottages with thatched roofs, masterfully constructed out of stones and plaster. There’s a large pond right outside my window, where I can see geese and swans. People are walking about their daily business, travelling dusty dirt paths that weave in and out of the buildings. There is a large number of trees.
My children were already awake. Fortunately they looked normal today. We went downstairs. Yes, the rope-bridge and such are still there. My children sat down to watch their morning dose of Sesame Street. My son turned on the TV, as I couldn’t seem to locate it. When he turned it on, I could hear it, but I still could not see it. He asked for food, so I turned around and entered the plastic sphere the surrounded the kitchen. It had a Radioactive symbol on it, and was completely clear. If I didn’t see it, I would have ran into it. After it sealed shut behind me, I opened the storage area and put some mini-pancakes into the instant heater. After about two minutes, they were all cooked. After retrieving bowls and forks from their storage areas, I grabbed some strawberries and a banana, and exited to sphere to serve them their food.
They watched Sesame Street until they finished eating, and we headed back upstairs. Pulling back a wall of vines, we entered the bathing area. It was a small depression in the ground, with a replaceable damn to contain the water. They bathed for awhile, and I turned on the radio. It was a wooden, antique radio, and it was plugged into a generator that was powered by a small watermill.
I heard Kayla calling me downstairs. She had asked me to take out the dog. I could clearly see she was having a bad day. My kids were in the tub, so I told her I could take the dog out after they got out.
The rest of my day has been posted privately.
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July 21st, 2010 at 6:14 PM
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There are more books out at Barnes and Noble about 2012 than I can shake an eight foot stick out. Oi. Good thing they have a search function. Got declined by disability again. Pretty sure that happened yesterday. Now we have to appeal it again, and they told me it has to go before an appeals judge. joy. I swear, it’s like the opposite of the drivetime guy: Declined. Declined. Declined. Declined. Hallucinations haven’t been too extraordinary recently. Still seeing things like superheros and ninjas, the occasional dinosaur, and there are people that knock on the door/ring the doorbell that aren’t really there. I don’t understand why disability sent me back to the same doctor. That was just idiotic. He stated, as I went into the office, that he was already prejudiced against my case, and that he didn’t even understand why they would send me back to him. I want to know where the fuck the SSA gets off declining someone that has an extensive history of mental illness, and it is documented. It just doesn’t make sense to me. Listening to Michael Jackson right now. Sara has the kids, so I know it must be Wednesday. .double checks phone. Yep. Wednesday. Had an emotionally exhausting conversation with a friend today, well – I think I did. Sent some text messages afterward, so I’ll have someone else confirm that for me. I received a call that said I missed an appointment with Partners In Recovery for my bloodwork this morning. I thought they called me yesterday to cancel. The did not – just another wonderful hallucination. Rescheduled for the first Thursday in August. Drinking Green Tea right now, just received and alert telling me to take my meds. I miss some of my old friends, and I wish they would call me back. I understand why they don’t, but I desperately wish otherwise. I’m out of good books. It takes me forever to read a book, so I’m not sure how this happens. Between all the odd things that happen when I stop focusing on my environment, and the hallucinatory smells and sounds that flood me when I’m using just my eyes, I can only read for 4-8 minutes at a time. Meh. Done for now.
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July 16th, 2010 at 11:11 AM
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FINALLY! I had my initial consultation with the Psychiatrist at the East Valley Veterans Administration Medical Facility. Her name was Dr. Aaronson, and surprisingly enough: She Listened.
She had, honestly, a full hours’ worth of questions. Detailed questions. Breve said that I started out flat, and as the questions moved on he could see a bit more emotion on some responses. She also asked me a lot of questions about previous treatments, and why I was on the current medication that I was. The only thing that bothered me was her mentioning that I suffered delusions as well as hallucinations, specifically referencing a hallucinated event.
For clarification, the basic difference is that Delusions are something you believe in, while hallucinations are imagined sensory perceptions.
Different times of Hallucinations include:
- Auditory (Hearing)
- Gustatory (Tasting)
- Olfactory (Smelling)
- Somatic/tactile (Touching)
- Visual hallucination(Seeing)
Where as the different types of delusions are:
- Delusion of control
- Delusional jealousy (Cheater! or sometimes infidelity)
- Delusion of guilt or sin (I did it. Punish me. Sometimes self-accusation)
- Delusion of reference (Clicky-Clicky for Info) I call it the Truman Show Delusion
- Grandiose delusion (I’m important, Really Important!)
- Religious delusion (of, or having to do with religion)
- Somatic delusion (Body issues)
There are other types of delusions, and I may suffer from them. But a hallucination is vastly different.
For example: I saw that Best Buy was open at 10:30 PM.I watched people going in and out of the store. It was open, there were cars parked outside. People with bags were leaving the store, getting in their cars, and driving away. We were across the parking lot at Tempe Marketplace, by Kabuki, so I couldn’t hear them, but I saw them. I know that Best Buy closes at 10, so I knew that it was not possible for this to occur. Kayla confirmed it for me.
Now, if this was a delusion, it would have to be something I believed. I did not, at any point, believe it. Truthfully, I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that it was not real. However, I was still seeing it. That would mean it’s a visual hallucination, not a delusion. To sum it up: Hallucinations = Sensing/feeling something that’s not real. Delusion = Believing in something that’s real.
Moving on. Had a lot of hallucinations since my last post. I’ll list them all later this week. The recurring ones are still going (treehouse, etc…). Also having to deal with one of my friends being unintentionally cruel. It’s going to blow up on me later. That will be.. fun.
Kids are at Sara’s today. We pick them up from Jay and Mo’s tonight around 5. I don’t know what to do. Sara gives me $250 a month, and I end up spending $180 on babysitting for her when she’s supposed to have the kids. That leaves them $70 to take care of all their expenses.
Right now they need (not want, need) Clothes, particularly socks and underwear, shoes, and two full-sized mattresses. They could also use a dresser, seeing as most of their clothes end up on the floor. We need a bike and a bike trailer so I can get them to and from their school, as the local elementary doesn’t provide transportation. This money is also supposed to pay for laundry detergent, shampoo, conditioner, toothbrushes, backpacks, school supplies, haircuts, etc… Obviously not happening.
I’ve tried talking to her about it so many times. She swears she doesn’t have the money, but she goes to the club every weekend. Yes, most times she doesn’t pay cover, but she does buy drinks. I’m really upset because when we didn’t have money, I started working overtime. Lots of overtime. Like 110 hour work-weeks. She’s too proud to go get a second job, and I’m stuck at my current rate of pay until approval of SSI/SSDI, or an increase in my VA Benefints.
I have to sweep, mop, and vacuum today. Everything is a mess. I just want to yell and scream at everyone for making such a mess. It’s really nothing more than what the average person’s house looks like, but there’s something inside me that drives me to make everything perfect and clean. It takes a lot of control to not freak out over stupid stuff.
Well, that’s good enough for now. See you again tomorrow, Jamieboy.
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July 14th, 2010 at 5:45 PM
(Depression, Disability, Family, Hallucinations, Kayla, Kids, Lucid Dreams, Pets)
I’m sitting at Barnes and Noble today. It’s seems to be a good day. My hallucinations have been getting progressively stranger. Today I watched a unicorn sit down in the theater next to me. That was odd, to say the least.
Met a really cute guy named Anthony today while at CVS. His boyfriend just broke up with him, and I’d wager he was looking for something to make him feel better about himself. He treated me to a movie at AMC (The Sorcerer’s Apprentice), and we headed to B&N afterwards. We had a lovely conversation about abusive relationships, where we’re headed in life, and of course we talked about our favourite authors. He took me for a walk around outside. Thankfully most of the buildings are lined with misters. After awhile he reached over to grab my hand, and then pulled me in for a kiss. His scent was pleasant, and he tasted sweet. He kissed awkwardly at first, but after a second or so, gathered his wits about him. After we were done, we chatted a bit more and he asked me over to his place. Hot damn! Of course I accepted. I asked him for a moment, and explained to that I needed to ask my girlfriend, as that was our open rule. He looked confused for a moment, then kissed me on the cheek, said something like, “Ok – there’s always next time,” and walked off. Oh well.
My phone’s been acting strangely since I put the new ROM on it. I am probably going to download a new one and try it out soon. I don’t have the patience for it screwing with the delivery of my notifications. I survive on those.
Speaking of which, my phone tells me that tomorrow I have an appointment at the V.A. at 8:00 AM. Joy. It’s with Dr. Aaronson. I also need to schedule a STD test. Safety first and all that. I have no idea what my appointment is for. Breve is on the schedule for taking me, so I’m guessing it’s psych-related. If it’s not, I’m going to kick myself in the ass.
Current list of hallucinations:
Watched books fly around the room like pidgeons.
Shirts were made of moths.
Couch disappeared and reappeared on the ceiling.
House is still a tree. I believe that makes it a treehouse, no?
Bookcase transformed into a gunsafe for a few days.
While in the shower, something like mercury starting coming out of the showerhead.
Had a bath where the same thing happened as well.
Still having trouble with shaving. The razor looks (and acts) like snake most days.
My skin was translucent for a week or so. Talk about odd – Try peeing, pooping, eating, or orgasming when you can see what really happens in your body. It’s gross.
Talked with a stone golem while taking the trash out.
Watched a gang of guys in zoot-suits burn down the building.
Clouds formed the face of Aelous, and he blew himself away.
The freezer opened into a miniture winter haven, complete with ice-pond, snowmen, and falling flakes.
People had closed captioning when talking. That makes it REALLY hard to focus, by the way.
I was verbally assaulted and threatened by what can be best described as a large iguana that walked on two legs and had opposable thumbs. He was wearing a trench.
The sun turned blood red, and did not move for 3 days. Night never came.
A disembodied arm followed me around, floating in the air, pointing at me.
A squid appeared, dead and disemboweled, on my floor. This was preceded by a loud crackling sound, a flash of light, and an acrid-smelling grey smoke.
Dumas came back. Only, without hair, and decomposing. Still a great cat, though.
I’m also still having the dreams. Last night Kayla left me. Shelley ended up with the kids when I turned 28. I was committed, paid for in full by the V.A. Sara came to visit me every other month. I made friends with an old guy named Mark. He thought he was the son of Napoleon. He was black. It was interesting. I walked off the edge of a balcony, believing it to be a walkway that was outside. I died. I woke up. God, these dreams are awful. Also, I’m really having a major issue with depression.
I would really like some sort of e-reader. I have to get Kayla a present for her Birthday. She wants to get a good massage. So be it. She deserves one. Somehow I managed to over-draft my pre-paid debit card. ??? Don’t know how that happens.
Probably going to work on my wiki today. Maybe I can put some links in here.
Done for now.
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July 9th, 2010 at 2:11 PM
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Today seems to be a good day. My head is throbbing, for whatever reason. Probably going to take some ibuprofen for that is a bit. Kayla is gone, but I keep receiving status updates via 4SQ about where she is, so I think it’s fair to assume she’s off today. I had an alarm on my phone to make sure she’s up by 7:30. I was dumb, and didn’t put the reason why in there. I can probably go back through my phone, or her status updates to figure it out; but I’m lacking the energy.
Today, thankfully, there have been few hals. I saw a bear in the grass this morning, and per the usual, I live in a tree. The Blu-Ray player hasn’t returned yet, as my children pointed out to me when I turned on a movie for them. It took me a second to realize that the show I saw was not really there for them. That’s too bad, because I think Luciene would really like Invader Zim. I put Lilo and Stitch on through the Wii for them. We watched for about 45 minutes, then progressed to music and tent-making in the living room. That was a lot of fun, but not as successful as normal, being that we only used pillows and over-sized stuffed animals.
My schedule says I am supposed to sweep and mop the floors this afternoon, but Luciene said the floor was dirty, so I did it this morning. He was right – it was dirty. Lots of hay, and it seems the cats made a mess of their dry food, I’m guessing last night. Also cleaned the kitchen and loaded the dishwasher.
Last night I enjoyed some time with Kayla. We watched Defendor, but it couldn’t really keep my attention. My mind was drifting. Of course, it helps if the TV isn’t moving when you try to watch it. I did enjoy scratching her back for her, though. I love hearing the enjoyment escaping her mouth from such a small thing. Her dog made me really angry last night, but I can’t recall why. She probably pooped on the floor or something trivial like that. I was in a bad mood, and most likely blew it way out of proportion.
Bought groceries yesterday. The trip to the store was just as bad as always. 
Thankfully, I was able to just focus on following her around. I, personally, didn’t get any real shopping done; but she did ask me what I thought a few times. That was good.
My parents are going to be in town soon. This is all the time I have for now. Schedule is telling me to make my weekly phone calls. Maybe I’ll finish up later.
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July 4th, 2010 at 11:43 PM
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Posted a few private journals. It’s been awhile. Finally cleaned out my voicemail. I thought I did it a few days ago. 28 messages from the past 3 months tell me otherwise. When I went to the disability examiner, he asked me for some of my hallucinations. I had a list prepared on twitter; but their historical search is fail.
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